Saying Goodbye

“You know when you think you know someone? More than anyone in the world? You know you know them, because you’ve seen them, like, for real. And then you reach out, and suddenly they are just… gone. You though you belonged together. You thought they were yours, but they’re not. You want to protect them, but you can’t.”
Ava Dellaira, Love Letters to the Dead

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Everyone knows by now that my grandmother has passed away. She died earlier this month from cancer and it was a grand battle of 10 years and she fought strongly and bravely the entire time. I think some of my strength in life comes from part of her. Things weren’t always the best with her and sometimes it was hell on earth, but still she was my grandmother and I know regardless of what happened between us she did love me very much and I loved her. Now that she is gone I look through all her belongings, part of me feels like I will get scolded for going through such personal things but its given me a chance to know her better as a person and what she was like at my age. She was never an emotional person or showed much empathy or even a “girly” side, so seeing her jewels and her pictures of being a girl are really quite amazing. Part of me wishes I could have known her back then, seen her smile and laugh and ask if she was truly happy with the life she had started.

Even though she is gone now I still want to appreciate her. Everything her and my papa did for me during the years I lived with them. The things they both taught me in their ways and the stories I heard and will always remember. Sometimes its the little things that matter and mean the very most. Just seeing Nana in her chair playing her games on her iPad and seeing her smile at me. Seeing Papa drop ice from the fridge and say “Fuck it.” as he walked past. Little things that made me smile and meant so little at the time, but really mean alot now. I haven’t been able to cry much these days since I am so ill. Not being able to breathe limits me from my emotions and so I guess writing this is a way for me to surpass that, but still I sit here crying. I miss them. They were my grandparents and they were a big part of my life. The house they had is now sold and gone and I will never be able to go there again. Its quite sad the things you lose in life with just a blink of an eye. It makes you really appreciate what you have left in the end though and what you had during that time.

I say goodbye to them, but also I will see you again sometime along my journey when its come to its end. I know they both will be there waiting for me with smiles. I just hope to do them proud with the time I am still here.

I am still here and I plan to do my best with the time I have…now to getting better….

 

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Sometimes

Sometimes the pain returns…filling us to our rim of unforgiving endlessness.

Sometimes you want to cry….erupt into a thousands pieces, never wanting to become whole again.

Sometimes, that’s what you feel you deserve, sometimes its what you get….but then sometimes…in the midst of our despair and pondering into darkness, you see something that reaches out to you.

Something that will never let you go and once you find that…you must never, ever let it.

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I feel like I have lost everything. I feel like everything I once was is now gone. I have no hope and no reasons. Yet I still have some kind of strength inside that keeps me going among all this pain and suffering and sickness. I have lost jobs, friends, love, sometimes it gets so bad I feel like I can’t even reason with it. I hate this world and all the pain that resides within it. I hate seeing all the happiness all around and yet I can’t have any of my own…not yet anyways.

I don’t want to sound like I have given up. In am just defeated. Like I said earlier pain changes a person and I am now changed. I can’t even fucking shave my armpits because I can’t raise my arms anyone due to the pains in the chest muscles because of this cough. I have had people tell me they don’t support me and hate me and think I am “VILE” because I asked for financial help on my social media. they treat me like I have been a beggar for years. When actually I have never ever done anything like that before and it was a last resort. It was for medicine, breathing nebs for my machine. Cough medicine and steroids to help keep my airways open. Its just so unfair. Keep going to the hospital and they say the same thing. I am a “puzzle” a tricky question they don’t know how to answer. I have been stabbed and scanned and pushed and squeezed and tested and I don’t know what else they can do. Perhaps I am paying for my sins now? Paying for anything I have done?

I am not special or important. I am not dying because of this, but I COULD. There are so many others much worse off than me and I am so grateful for the people who are supporting me and helping me in anyway they can. This is not a oh pity me entry. I just need to vent. I need to get this pain out of me and the hate and anger and sadness. Everyone is different and we all have our own points in life where we lose it. I am at one right now. I feel so alone. I want someone here with me. That’s enough bitching for now. i need to try and shower.

Thanks for reading.

I’m still here….

BREATHE!!!! easier said than done.

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Hello again. It’s me. I am writing because I need something to occupy my mind and my jittery fingers while my chest throbs in impeccable pain. Yes, I have been ill because of my asthma for almost 3 months now. Yes. I just came off of an asthma attack and am now going through the effects of the medication I needed to have in order to breathe. Hence why I am writing, trying to work through it. If anyone has ever suffered or does suffer from asthma you know this feeling all too well. The way your lungs cease up instantly, they feel like they will explode from your chest, you heart races and you feel like you’ve been thrown into an oven because you’re so overheated and coated in sweat. It’s almost like you’re drowning, except on air, that won’t go into your lungs. Its really quite incredible that this actually is allowed to happen.

I took so many things for granted when I was younger and yes I had my rebellious years of being a grade A asshole and I did smoke for time. I was thinner, didn’t really care about the consequences, was angry at myself and I think in a way other than food I wanted to punish and hurt myself, so there we have it. Cigs! and Smoke! and Uh OH! fucked up lungs. I haven’t smoked in years now…but I am just saying that yes I did in the past. I have done a LOT of bad stuff that I regret, but theres no use in talking about it, nothing can be done about the past, only the future is what’s important now, MY FUTURE. I have lost 3 months of my life, lost jobs, lost time, lost hope. I have fallen so far down, I don’t even know where the starting point is anymore. My first and foremost goal at the  present time is TO GET BETTER. IN TIME. The doctors say. Rest, try to move, take the medicine. I want to fucking KILL everyone of them. YOU TRY TAKING THIS SHIT! YOU TRY LAYING DOWN ISOLATED WHILE EVERYONE ENJOYS THE AIR AND THE OUTDOORS! Like really?! Easier said than done pal. But yes I am following the orders, next month I see a NEW asshole who will mostly tell me the exact same thing. But I am not pointing any fingers at them. The finger is pointed in my own direction. I was asked months ago by my Lung doctor to get my blood tests done and I didn’t do it. I felt fine then and didn’t think it would prove or show anything, but come to find out it would show a lot and could actually show what is wrong with me now. Everyone is like GO GET IT DONE! I CANT…because since my lungs are inflamed…I still need the steroids and I can’t get accurate testing done until I am off of them for a time. The doctors plan is for October, he thinks the cooler air will help me heal as well. I agree. That’s my plan, thats my life at the moment, my goal.

The pain is just terrible. An airway of shattered glass and a heavy pressure as if someone is sitting on you back and chest at the same time. But worst of all, its the fear, the fear that what if they don’t open up and I die? This would be it? I try my best to not think of that, but haha it sadly comes with this disease. Only relief I get is when I have my nebulizer treatment and I have no graduated to 5X a day. I have over a dozen medications that help with the side effects of the steroids and the actual asthma itself. I can honestly say that this has been the worst time of my life. Seeing my parents eyes widen with fear as they hurry to unlock the front door to the house as I manage to walk to my room and get my machine on in the midst of an asthma attack. I hate having them worry. I hate the fact that they need to give up their loving pets because of me, I hate having to ask for help to buy medicine because I can’t work to support myself. I hate a lot of things, I hate A LOT about myself, but I do love everyone in my life and I wouldn’t trade anyone for anything…well maybe some…for AIR. That was a joke.

This isn’t a pity party you were invited to. This is my thoughts, my sanity trying to hold itself together and since you’re kind enough to stop and listen I want to say thank you. Thank you to all who are there for me and to those who help occupy my mind and try to make me feel better. I am not crying anymore, I am just simply trying to breathe and get through each day. I am eating healthy, which is a plus, but these steroids makes you gain weight…HA HA HA FUCK. Still I am eating the best I can, I am seeing the doctor hopefully within a few days, need to report any attacks. I am going to smile and be positive because as bad as this is for me, its just as terrible for my family. I wish things would change, I wish I had the ability at the moment to MAKE the change, but all I am able to do it try and breathe.

Breathe…easier said than done.

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Asthma & Many Thanks

I know, sometimes, things don’t go our way
And it seems that it gets harder everyday
You wish and hope that it’s all a dream
These ineffable feelings urge you to scream

You sit and wonder if anyone will care
These thoughts of yours, I cannot bear
I’m your friend and know that I’m always here
There’s nothing in me that you have to fear

The last thing I want is for you to be down
I want to see you smile, get rid of that frown
I love you too much to see you in pain
I’ll do all I can, I will not complain

I’ll give you everything I have to lend
I’ll be that person whom you can depend
You just have to ask me, don’t turn away
have a little faith, and it will all be okay

By ROLO

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Acute exacerbation of COPD also known as acute exacerbations of chronic bronchitis (AECB) is a sudden worsening of COPD symptoms (shortness of breath, quantity and color of phlegm) that typically lasts for several days. It may be triggered by an infection with bacteria or viruses or by environmental pollutants.

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This is what I have been fighting with these last few months. So many people have asked me what is wrong and what is happening. This is what is happening. Along with this, I keep getting infections and keep needing an assortment of different antibiotics to mend it. I am on very high doses os steroids and medication that helps with the steroids. It just seems like a never ending battle. I know that THERE ARE SO MANY who are in a much worse predicament than me and I am not looking for pity. I just need to get this out, I need to talk and vent because in my lifetime, I have never EVER been this bad before. Because of this illness I am unable to work, can’t go outside and mingle with family, can’t go out into public, can’t shop, can’t drive, can hardly do anything but stay in my room and watch TV and play games and….write….which is what I am doing at the moment while I have my breathing machine in my mouth.

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Here I am! I have spurts where I get very depressed and cry on occasion. I mean who wouldn’t right? This fucking sucks! pardon me. The fights with medication and the doctors who say one thing and believe another. Its another battle that weakens me and makes me so upset. If you’ve ever been in this situation that YOU know personally how terrible it can be. I also don’t have insurance and am trying to get there help I need to try and take care off myself during this time. It’s just a never-ending loop, a annoying melody that is constantly on repeat and once it ends….here comes another infection and another NEW medication. As I said in my previous blog about life being so precious….will it certainly is. People die from severe asthma and I won’t lie a few on the medications I was on…COULD HAVE killed me one doctor said and immediately  took me off of it. I have never really asked for help or been one to reach out my hand, but these last few weeks I have and to those who have offered help and prayers, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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I am going to go now, i can only sit up int his chair for so long before the pain starts. I wanted to get this out and offer my love and thanks and also let people know what is happening. We are trying to see a new doctor next month and have a treatment plan at the moment. Things are so hard and so upsetting. I can’t even say how lonely I am, but I want to say thank you to my family for being there and taking care of me the best they can and also to my friends who are always there and always so kind. I love you.

I feel lucky to have found you-
A friend that is so kind and true;

To lift me up when I am down,
and make me smile when I frown.

It’s hard to find the words to say
just how much I care.

But these will have to do:

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you,

(From the bottom of my heart.)

Life is Precious

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It dawns on you one day… how precious your life is and how not okay it is for anyone, ever, to cause you any amount of suffering, ever. Then the next time you step out the door you look at everyone and you’re thinking, “My life is precious and you’re not allowed to hurt me.”
C. JoyBell C.

Despite all the pain and suffering people endure everyday life is the most precious gift you have. Despite all the heartache and the unfairness handed to you, this life was given to you and its the only one you’ll ever get. Among the sours, there are sweets. Perhaps you met someone who made you smile, maybe you got a compliment that made you feel good about yourself. Maybe you got something, a talent or a unique trait that no one else has which makes you the special one. Its so hard to live sometimes. Its so hard to keep going. One feeling can lead some to the end of the ropes. I cant even imagine. All I want is to offer my hand which is already cut up and broken, but yet I will always offer more, offer it all. I may wish things would end, but after realizing the big picture which is…I am lucky. I am grateful for what I do have in this life. I am grateful for the air in my lungs, the days I wake up. the love that comes from others. Some aren’t as lucky, but some do have something. They always will.

“If you could possibly understand how precious and powerful your experience of this one lifetime as yourself is, you wouldn’t be trying to go anywhere else.
If you could know the perfection of time and space,
You would slow each moment down
To drain every possible nuance of juice and flavor from it.
When you leave this place, your body and mind and the earth which holds you, you will look back and only wish you had known the immense richness that you hurried through trying to find other better states of being.
But this is the best bite.
Heaven is here.
Nirvana is now.
As soon as you know that for sure
Your life will never be the same again.
In fact, in every way it seeks to get your attention. begs you to awaken to the magic right before your eyes.”
Jacob Nordby

 

Point is that you’re still breathing. You’re still here. I am still here. We need to make this worth it all. Even if you’re all alone and have no one. I am here for you. I love you. I love myself. We need to get through this and we will. Life is precious and so are you, as am I. We deserve the best. Always. Its fucking sucks, but its worth it. Keep going. Keep fighting.

“It’s amazing to see the beauty of the world. It’s so beautiful and so brutal. It’s a reminder that every second of life is precious.”
Sally Green

BREATHE

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Its always been an ongoing battle with taking deep breaths in life. As a fellow asthmatic I can simply say to my following that having trouble with your lungs can be one of the most annoying, horrific and costly diseases of ones life.

I was hospitalized just recently for almost 4 days. I had a IV which they gave me over 120 MG’s of steroids to help boost my lungs back into shape. I guess hitting the big 30 turned me into a walking sack of allergies and time bombs for now I need to watch out for anything and everything that may become a trigger for my asthma. It frightens me so, having to be so careful, almost like I’m monitored for life. When I was younger all I ever had to deal with was exercise and hot weather. As the years went on, its the cold, the animals, the flowers, certain scents, drinks, food and air pressure.

It can be controlled, I know that. I can have a sustainable life living with this disease. I guess I am just complaining, needing to vent because I will always have this and it will never go away. The medicine they give me, hurts me deep inside. My bones feel like they are twisted underneath my muscles, my mind is constantly racing and my tummy grumbling and my mouth watering, always reaching for the next drink, with ice please. Extra Ice.

I just woke up from sleep, had a bad dream which is another side effect from all these pills. I too my morning dose and managed to eat something small to help it mix. I had a itch to start typing. I wanted to use my hands before the pain started. Oh yeah, the pills make my hands and feet swell to the point where I cant even use my silverware to cut my food on my plate or hold my cell phone, or brush my teeth and hair.

The point isn’t to gather pity, its just to vent. Just to get it our into this void to say FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Yeah that felt good. Now to take a shower and get clean before its hard to stand up. Thank you for listening. I can breathe now though, I am feeling better. I am just tired. Life can be so beautiful and rewarding, but damn, it can be such a pain in the lungs as well.

 

Here I Am

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Here I feel the welcoming embrace of something bigger than myself.

Here I feel the warmth of a forgiving heart.

Here I feel the need to continue on. Wayward.

Here the light never stops shining. Darkness is unheard of.

Here I can fly. High above the cotton clouds.

No limits. No worries. No fear.

Weightless. Filled with Hope and Love.

Eternally grateful. 

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Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

George Bernard Shaw

I am Fine

Morning By The Lake

Hello again.

I am ready to start writing again. I am ready to start anew. I can’t live this way and I know that I say this every time, but I mean it now. I am 30 years old and I want a life that means something to me. I am capable of so many amazing things. I have the tools, I have the support. I have it all. Might sound a bit selfish or conceited but its the truth. What’s been stopping me? Easy…myself.

I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready,
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready,
I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready,
I am fine
I am fine
I am fine
by Counting Crows
This is myself. This is me. Alone. Living. Finally.

You’ve won again…

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I sit and watch
as the rain falls
from a sky so dark and gray

Is this life
a crying sky?
If so,
not even I can fight.

I’m tired of hurting,
I’m tired of tears.
I’m tired of being alone
for all these years.

I want peace,
and I want love.
I want to break free
to fly above!

I got fired today. Or let go, however you would like to put it. I was let go because of my recklessness, my lack of ambition. My illnesses which have been brought on by asthma and my physical weight and the damn weather. I lost again and you have won again. I see the face staring back at me in the mirror. Your face. You’ve won that. So heavy, so unhealthy and painful. I have let it all go it seems. Let go of the reins that kept me on track. Let go of the strength that I tried to carry for so long. Its all gone now.

I handed them my badge, my work uniform and my smile. So ashamed I felt as I left, walking down the stairs in front of the entire store, feeling their eyes on me as I was made to leave. Never have I had to do this before.

Never.

Never have I been so low before, so angry and hateful towards myself, towards everyone.  I feel like theres this giant void inside of myself that i just cannot seem to fill. Sometimes I wonder who I even am anymore. I cant seem to find myself, my purpose. What I really want out of my life, what I want to achieve or become. Perhaps we spend our entire lives trying to find the purpose. Perhaps thats the whole point? I don’t know.

I can’t seem to sleep at night anymore. Nightmares hound me and my dreams. I am under stress to find now another job, stress to save money and get a car, get a place of my own, get my weight under control, graduate college and find a job that pays well. The list is infinite. I know what I need to do, I just don’t love myself enough to try anymore. Theres others who deserve more than I do and apart of me wishes to just disappear and let them have the light.

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I’m buried for now. Underneath it all. I haven’t given up though. There is a tiny piece inside of me still burning, I can feel it. It makes me cry. Life is so precious and you should want to live it and be free and happy. It takes all of my energy trying to not hate it and waste it on meaningless things. I know what I need, its just so hard right now to even try and fight. You can say I am a quitter for now. I won’t because I refuse to be.

Here come the tears.

Pain.

Anger.

I need to sleep now.

I love you. Thanks for listening.

You Never Know

 

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My heart is bursting.

Compact with the eagerness of vintage flowers waiting to be thrown into the air.

My eyes are sparkling.

Glistening with the passionate waters of eternal thirst yearning to be pouring into your veins.

My mind is racing.

Spinning like the horrid winds of the dreadful twisters of insanity, longing to whisk you away into my arms.

 

Sometimes the words I see in my mind tend to come out before I even have a chance to speak them directly. This poem I wrote describes my notions on love. My love for another person, my love for myself. I have many demons and battles to overcome, this is fact. One demon I don’t have to worry about is the one for my self. I do love who I am and what I try to do. I fail so many times, but I also pick myself up as well. I keep trying. In school whenever there was a certain situation where someone was afraid to go “first” or to exceed expectations or take risks, I always stepped forward. There was never a lingering moment. I had fearlessness. Sometimes I wish that bravery would step out against my food addiction voice and knock it on its ass once and for all, but I know it’s all up to me in the end. No one can win your battles for you. I always loved that though about myself.

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I never had any fear when asking for what I wanted or needed. I figured at least I could try once and see what would happen. I should get the words “You never know” tattooed on me, for they seem to be a sort of my motto in life. For instance “you never know” what might happen if you don’t quit your job. “You never know” what might happen if you be the one to call the guy first and ask him out. “You never know” if you can get extra help if you ask the questions people are to shy or lazy to ask themselves. You just never know. I never know. What will happen in a year? a week? a day? an hour? You never know. All I know at this moment is that I am doing the best I can. I love who I am and my heart is longing to love another with all the beats and joys it can possibly hold within itself. I don’t know who they will be. But I know that I will do everything and anything for them. Its true when they say that you treat others you love better than how you treat yourself. Here I am saying I will do anything for the person I fall in love with and I should also be doing the same for myself. Guess what? I am. In my own way I am. I’m proud of that. Proud of me. Proud of life. Of love. You never know.

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