Normal Song

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“Hold my hand
I am afraid
Please pray for me
When I am away

Comfort the girl
Help her understand
No memory
No matter how sad
And no violence
No matter how bad
Can darken the heart
Or tear it apart

Take my hand
When you are scared
And I will pray
If you go back out there
Comfort the man
Help him understand
That no floating sheet
No matter how haunting
And no secret
No matter how nasty
Can poison your voice
Or keep you from joy”

By Perfume Genius “NORMAL SONG”

So much has happened this last month. So much that its hard to even comprehend all the emotions, all the tears, laughs and internal screams. The emotions are never ending. I see them in everything. Every random person on the street, every customer I wait on at work. All the books I read and films I see. We are human and being emotional is considered part of who we are. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel. I wish I could turn off that part of myself which always connects and understands. Maybe I wouldn’t be as broken as I feel half the time. Maybe I could get through a night without restless thoughts and worries. Maybe it would be better. Nah…I’m not like that. I refuse to not feel, to not connect or understand. I NEED it. I LIVE for it. Its what makes us…US. There’s not enough empathy in the world to begin with and if I shut it off, what does that make me?

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The pain has been real though both emotionally and physically. My jobs keep me busy, always moving in all different directions. Just when I am comfortable and at an even pace, it tosses me into something else. I can handle it though, honestly part of me doesn’t even mind. I just need the money. I want to get out on my own and get my own place, get a car. Part of me feels like I should have had this all done years ago. I fight with my past demons all the time, constantly asking myself WHY? I see all my school friends online with their families. They have grown up, and have loves, have children and good jobs. Are they happy? I don’t know, but I do know that I wish I had what they had. I know my own moral compass will point me in my direction and all will come ion due time. I am not forcing anything. I am currently doing the best I can in my situation. Work, finish college, and lose weight. Sometimes though the tears can flood any hopes of them coming true. The pain can be unbearable at times. My heart is constantly breaking with all the pain and sadness I feel and see around me. The look in my father’s eyes when he’s in constant agony. The worry and guilt on my mother’s lips as she always says how sorry she is. The unfortunate circumstances of close friends and the overwhelming feeling of helplessness of not being able to do anything to make it better. The stories of loss and heartbreak my coworkers tell me on my break at work. I am not one to complain. Lately it has just been more than I can handle. I just don’t understand why everything is suddenly so bad and so terrible and unfortunate. What did people do to deserve this? Why do I deserve this? These are questions I’ll never have any answers to and I’m okay with that. Just having you hear to listen to me is enough. People always say you can speak to me. You can tell me things. I know I can. Which is why I am writing this. The other day I saw a little girl give an elder homeless lady on the street a flower. The old lady smiled and sniffed it as she wiped her eye. I always tell others and myself that along with the constant ugliness in the world, there is always beauty hidden within it. Love is all around, although it may be difficult to spot, it is there.

finding-love

“Normal Song” is a tune I have been listening to lately and its all right there within the lyrics. That no matter how terrible things get or can be, there is always joy and love and understanding. So I keep on, I will work and I will fight these circumstances with the smile I have and brightness people always say I have within me. I need reassurance of it sometimes though. There are times I feel like giving up on it all. What’s the point? Then I see my reflection. THAT is the reason why.

My life. My goals. My dreams. My story.

ME.

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