Hello again. It’s me. I am writing because I need something to occupy my mind and my jittery fingers while my chest throbs in impeccable pain. Yes, I have been ill because of my asthma for almost 3 months now. Yes. I just came off of an asthma attack and am now going through the effects of the medication I needed to have in order to breathe. Hence why I am writing, trying to work through it. If anyone has ever suffered or does suffer from asthma you know this feeling all too well. The way your lungs cease up instantly, they feel like they will explode from your chest, you heart races and you feel like you’ve been thrown into an oven because you’re so overheated and coated in sweat. It’s almost like you’re drowning, except on air, that won’t go into your lungs. Its really quite incredible that this actually is allowed to happen.
I took so many things for granted when I was younger and yes I had my rebellious years of being a grade A asshole and I did smoke for time. I was thinner, didn’t really care about the consequences, was angry at myself and I think in a way other than food I wanted to punish and hurt myself, so there we have it. Cigs! and Smoke! and Uh OH! fucked up lungs. I haven’t smoked in years now…but I am just saying that yes I did in the past. I have done a LOT of bad stuff that I regret, but theres no use in talking about it, nothing can be done about the past, only the future is what’s important now, MY FUTURE. I have lost 3 months of my life, lost jobs, lost time, lost hope. I have fallen so far down, I don’t even know where the starting point is anymore. My first and foremost goal at the present time is TO GET BETTER. IN TIME. The doctors say. Rest, try to move, take the medicine. I want to fucking KILL everyone of them. YOU TRY TAKING THIS SHIT! YOU TRY LAYING DOWN ISOLATED WHILE EVERYONE ENJOYS THE AIR AND THE OUTDOORS! Like really?! Easier said than done pal. But yes I am following the orders, next month I see a NEW asshole who will mostly tell me the exact same thing. But I am not pointing any fingers at them. The finger is pointed in my own direction. I was asked months ago by my Lung doctor to get my blood tests done and I didn’t do it. I felt fine then and didn’t think it would prove or show anything, but come to find out it would show a lot and could actually show what is wrong with me now. Everyone is like GO GET IT DONE! I CANT…because since my lungs are inflamed…I still need the steroids and I can’t get accurate testing done until I am off of them for a time. The doctors plan is for October, he thinks the cooler air will help me heal as well. I agree. That’s my plan, thats my life at the moment, my goal.
The pain is just terrible. An airway of shattered glass and a heavy pressure as if someone is sitting on you back and chest at the same time. But worst of all, its the fear, the fear that what if they don’t open up and I die? This would be it? I try my best to not think of that, but haha it sadly comes with this disease. Only relief I get is when I have my nebulizer treatment and I have no graduated to 5X a day. I have over a dozen medications that help with the side effects of the steroids and the actual asthma itself. I can honestly say that this has been the worst time of my life. Seeing my parents eyes widen with fear as they hurry to unlock the front door to the house as I manage to walk to my room and get my machine on in the midst of an asthma attack. I hate having them worry. I hate the fact that they need to give up their loving pets because of me, I hate having to ask for help to buy medicine because I can’t work to support myself. I hate a lot of things, I hate A LOT about myself, but I do love everyone in my life and I wouldn’t trade anyone for anything…well maybe some…for AIR. That was a joke.
This isn’t a pity party you were invited to. This is my thoughts, my sanity trying to hold itself together and since you’re kind enough to stop and listen I want to say thank you. Thank you to all who are there for me and to those who help occupy my mind and try to make me feel better. I am not crying anymore, I am just simply trying to breathe and get through each day. I am eating healthy, which is a plus, but these steroids makes you gain weight…HA HA HA FUCK. Still I am eating the best I can, I am seeing the doctor hopefully within a few days, need to report any attacks. I am going to smile and be positive because as bad as this is for me, its just as terrible for my family. I wish things would change, I wish I had the ability at the moment to MAKE the change, but all I am able to do it try and breathe.
Breathe…easier said than done.