Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m alone in the dark. Surrounded by nothing but complete agony and pain. I feel the heart ache swell underneath my skin and the tears drown my eyes as I sob uncontrollably unable to stop or to breathe. It comes and goes this blanket of darkness as certain things trigger my emotions.
Such as being alone. Everyone says well you’re not alone and I myself have said it to many people and in a way no, you aren’t ever alone because there are people who are there for you and are willing to listen. But not always are there people there to love. Not the kind of love one needs. Someone special, someone to hold, someone to wipe these hot tears away. I am so happy for those who have someone special in their lives. I don’t know if they ever stop and think about how lucky they truly are. I know some are thinking “Well, I am not that lucky or pfft! Yeah I have someone but he’s a dick or whatever.” Yeah I get that. But at the end of the day you had a moment where you were once happy with this person. I haven’t had that. It was taken from me at a young age. Losing the boy I might’ve ended up with for the rest of my life. I tried with a girl once and that wasn’t meant for me. I see everyone with a buddy, a smile, love in their hearts and mine is bursting. Yearning to give all the love I have to someone. It kills me when people say you’re such a good person, you have such light and kindness and beauty. Well…why the fuck can’t I find someone then? Why can’t I be truly happy? Cause it’s just not my time? Am I not looking? Fuck you fate and fuck you universe.
Not having me a buddy to hang with. Everyone seems paired up. My once close friends are now gone from me, with their best friends or loved ones, once again leaving me out on my own. My brothers are close, they have each other to hang onto, and I have always felt like the odd one out being the only girl of 4 children. My parents have each other. My friends who are close have their own lives and families. I guess this is just a battle with me being alone. I guess this pain is mostly because I want what they have. I want to feel alive with someone again. I know that all it takes is a phone call, but phone calls end. All it could take is a message on the computer or phone, but they turn off. I could venture out and go places, but with no car and no money to spend for anything extra, there is no point.
I am not feeling sorry for myself and I am not asking for pity. I am just letting my thoughts and my emotions pour out of me and land here because it helps. I am just crying non-stop, feeling my body heave in distraught and my mind race in confusion and madness at all the questions that go unanswered, all the WHYS and HOWS. Why won’t they listen or get back to me, how could they treat me this way after all I have done and why can’t someone like me have someone like you. Why must I suffer? Ha-ha but millions of people ask that question everyday. The little boy asks God why he gets teased or why his mommy and daddy are getting divorced. The old woman asked the doctor why does she deserve to die from cancer? All these questions and I have no answers. I only know that there are certain keys to opening the doorways to what we want in life. I have never found one. Not yet. Will I? I haven’t a clue. But like everyday I will try. I will be grateful for what I DO have right now in my life. I will make new friends and I will overcome the pain and the weight of being let down so many times for being me. I hate myself, but I love myself so much too.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time for you to leave again.