For Now…

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Sometimes I have moments where I completely lose myself. My shine trickles out through my eyes. I lose my thoughts, my feelings, my goals, and my sanity. Sometimes I feel so broken that I fear I’ll never actually heal again. The p9eces are broken beyond repair. Sometimes I hurt those around me more than I hurt myself. It hurts like hell upon reflection. I in return hate myself, hate who I am. Why say that? Why act that way? I don’t know. It was easier when I was a child. I was naive and hadn’t learned to think of others feelings before my own. I remember how selfish I was and still am today. Maybe that’s a good trait in some aspects of life, but not everything. I try not to be. Apparently it’s never enough. I’ve come to realize that everything is not enough. I am finally learning that concept. There’s always something more, something better. Better than me, better than I’ve always been.

I cried today. I lashed out. This addiction is killing me in more ways than one. I hate who I have become because of it. I hurt inside. Sometimes I feel like why am I even important to continue on. I know why. I remember what it felt like to hold someone close, someone special in my arms. I thought I was in love. Lies. I do this for a future. A life. A love that one-day will come for me. That hope always feels nice, but not when I am on my knees on my bedroom floor pounding my fits at the wooden floors beneath me. That hope does not comfort. During that moment I feel torn apart, I feel hopeless and discarded. A dying plant thrown out to drown its remaining life in the rain. I can only say I’m sorry so much. I try to speak the truth, but I’m afraid nothing is believable anymore.

 

I write this, not looking for anything other than your shoulder. It might not make any sense. It doesn’t to me half the time. I cry in the shower, I cry in my sleep, I cry in my dreams. Swimming in salty tears that sting the red flush on my face. This helps though. I feel a sense of relief as I pour my soul out onto this note. I’m not always strong. I can’t be. I’m human. I can’t always do right. This is what life is, learning and growing with each passing day until the sun comes up on the horizon. I will make it. Its going to hurt so fucking much, but I will do it. I will try to be kinder, better, the person they believe me to be.

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I think that’s all for now. Short and sweet. Well not sweet, sour even. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. I always do. A new day. A fresh start. New awaiting tears.

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