“Home is where the heart is.”
I went to town today and started thinking about my life. Years ago before I actually knew what I wanted and had an idea of what happiness truly meant I went on a self discovering journey into oblivion as I like to call it. My younger brother is getting married this weekend. He has found the love of his life and together they created a beautiful baby. He has a home no matter where he goes. Family is home. I understand that now more than ever. My journey into oblivion was in my early college years. I thought I had found the love of my life. I had met her online and seriously thought she was the one for me. I never thought of myself as gay, just an open-minded person. My family has always taught me never to judge and to always open your heart to others so gender never really occurred to me. My heart fell for another’s heart.
My journey became serious when I suddenly left school in order to pursue a life with this person. I quit college and packed up my things and ventured to the amazing crazy city of New Jersey to be with her. A foolish act on my part, which I know now. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do or give to her though. I adored her fire that she had inside. A fire I had always wanted growing up but never had the balls to grab. Which is why I let her transform me into a girl she had in her mind, which meant dying my hair and wearing different clothes and letting her do my make-up. I didn’t care.
I thought I had found my home within her arms. I thought I had found true love. After being caught together by her mother I was then banished from her house, therefore I helped pack her stuff and together we vanished into the city of New York and even to the great Atlantic City boardwalk. I cannot say how liberating it was and how fulfilling it was. Finally to have someone’s hand within mine, someone who counted on me and said that they loved me too. I never really had anyone in high school. I was known as the nice fat girl. I was never made fun of and for that I am glad, but part of me kind of wishes maybe I should have been. Perhaps if I had been I would have had more of a reason to lose the weight. It was because of the weight I had no one. Perhaps that’s why when she held my hand as we walked through the city I had never felt so happy in my entire life, but that happiness came to an end though once we traveled back to my home. I had settled her in and my family welcomed her. I got her a job and together we worked and saved money after 8 months we even started talking about marriage and children, but it became clear to me after many sleepless nights and looking to see that all my money was gone she was using me. The whole thing had been a set up. She called her mother to come get her saying that she had been forced against her will and I was the bad guy. I couldn’t be there as she left. The pain my heart felt as we slept in different rooms on her last night, was more than I could handle. I remember to this day my last words to her. “I wish you happiness.” I said as she left.
“Happiness is only real when shared.”
Once she got home she had tried to play off like she was sorry and that she had made a mistake. Sunny was no longer there to take care of her. I realized what was really happening and knew that I was just a toy she had liked playing with. I realized too that perhaps I had been lonely, maybe too lonely and starved for affection. Can you believe that? A food hoarder and overeater like myself, not starved for food? But for the attention and love of another. It was this that I had let myself become a victim. I wasn’t gay, just broken. After years of letting others use me, she had been the final straw. I changed the day she left and my home from that day forward has been within myself. The people that supported me, the friends that help guide me and the strong will inside that has always carried me away to dance high above everything else. I meant those words I spoke to her. I wished her the upmost happiness and held no ill will towards her. People come and go from your life. I realize that now. Some are only meant to teach you lessons in life, and her lesson was clear. I thank her everyday for that and use that towards my future plans in life. A place called home, why that’s where your heart rests. Mine rests in myself and those around me for now. What will the future bring for me? I don’t know and I don’t want to know. So I will live one day at time, doing the best I can and love those around me, love those whom I have lost and love everything and everyone in-between.