Sometimes

Sometimes the pain returns…filling us to our rim of unforgiving endlessness.

Sometimes you want to cry….erupt into a thousands pieces, never wanting to become whole again.

Sometimes, that’s what you feel you deserve, sometimes its what you get….but then sometimes…in the midst of our despair and pondering into darkness, you see something that reaches out to you.

Something that will never let you go and once you find that…you must never, ever let it.

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I feel like I have lost everything. I feel like everything I once was is now gone. I have no hope and no reasons. Yet I still have some kind of strength inside that keeps me going among all this pain and suffering and sickness. I have lost jobs, friends, love, sometimes it gets so bad I feel like I can’t even reason with it. I hate this world and all the pain that resides within it. I hate seeing all the happiness all around and yet I can’t have any of my own…not yet anyways.

I don’t want to sound like I have given up. In am just defeated. Like I said earlier pain changes a person and I am now changed. I can’t even fucking shave my armpits because I can’t raise my arms anyone due to the pains in the chest muscles because of this cough. I have had people tell me they don’t support me and hate me and think I am “VILE” because I asked for financial help on my social media. they treat me like I have been a beggar for years. When actually I have never ever done anything like that before and it was a last resort. It was for medicine, breathing nebs for my machine. Cough medicine and steroids to help keep my airways open. Its just so unfair. Keep going to the hospital and they say the same thing. I am a “puzzle” a tricky question they don’t know how to answer. I have been stabbed and scanned and pushed and squeezed and tested and I don’t know what else they can do. Perhaps I am paying for my sins now? Paying for anything I have done?

I am not special or important. I am not dying because of this, but I COULD. There are so many others much worse off than me and I am so grateful for the people who are supporting me and helping me in anyway they can. This is not a oh pity me entry. I just need to vent. I need to get this pain out of me and the hate and anger and sadness. Everyone is different and we all have our own points in life where we lose it. I am at one right now. I feel so alone. I want someone here with me. That’s enough bitching for now. i need to try and shower.

Thanks for reading.

I’m still here….

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