You Never Know

 

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My heart is bursting.

Compact with the eagerness of vintage flowers waiting to be thrown into the air.

My eyes are sparkling.

Glistening with the passionate waters of eternal thirst yearning to be pouring into your veins.

My mind is racing.

Spinning like the horrid winds of the dreadful twisters of insanity, longing to whisk you away into my arms.

 

Sometimes the words I see in my mind tend to come out before I even have a chance to speak them directly. This poem I wrote describes my notions on love. My love for another person, my love for myself. I have many demons and battles to overcome, this is fact. One demon I don’t have to worry about is the one for my self. I do love who I am and what I try to do. I fail so many times, but I also pick myself up as well. I keep trying. In school whenever there was a certain situation where someone was afraid to go “first” or to exceed expectations or take risks, I always stepped forward. There was never a lingering moment. I had fearlessness. Sometimes I wish that bravery would step out against my food addiction voice and knock it on its ass once and for all, but I know it’s all up to me in the end. No one can win your battles for you. I always loved that though about myself.

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I never had any fear when asking for what I wanted or needed. I figured at least I could try once and see what would happen. I should get the words “You never know” tattooed on me, for they seem to be a sort of my motto in life. For instance “you never know” what might happen if you don’t quit your job. “You never know” what might happen if you be the one to call the guy first and ask him out. “You never know” if you can get extra help if you ask the questions people are to shy or lazy to ask themselves. You just never know. I never know. What will happen in a year? a week? a day? an hour? You never know. All I know at this moment is that I am doing the best I can. I love who I am and my heart is longing to love another with all the beats and joys it can possibly hold within itself. I don’t know who they will be. But I know that I will do everything and anything for them. Its true when they say that you treat others you love better than how you treat yourself. Here I am saying I will do anything for the person I fall in love with and I should also be doing the same for myself. Guess what? I am. In my own way I am. I’m proud of that. Proud of me. Proud of life. Of love. You never know.

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Hello Darkness my old friend…

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Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.

 

Sometimes I feel as if I’m alone in the dark. Surrounded by nothing but complete agony and pain. I feel the heart ache swell underneath my skin and the tears drown my eyes as I sob uncontrollably unable to stop or to breathe. It comes and goes this blanket of darkness as certain things trigger my emotions.

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Such as being alone. Everyone says well you’re not alone and I myself have said it to many people and in a way no, you aren’t ever alone because there are people who are there for you and are willing to listen. But not always are there people there to love. Not the kind of love one needs. Someone special, someone to hold, someone to wipe these hot tears away. I am so happy for those who have someone special in their lives. I don’t know if they ever stop and think about how lucky they truly are. I know some are thinking “Well, I am not that lucky or pfft! Yeah I have someone but he’s a dick or whatever.” Yeah I get that. But at the end of the day you had a moment where you were once happy with this person. I haven’t had that. It was taken from me at a young age. Losing the boy I might’ve ended up with for the rest of my life. I tried with a girl once and that wasn’t meant for me. I see everyone with a buddy, a smile, love in their hearts and mine is bursting. Yearning to give all the love I have to someone. It kills me when people say you’re such a good person, you have such light and kindness and beauty. Well…why the fuck can’t I find someone then? Why can’t I be truly happy? Cause it’s just not my time? Am I not looking? Fuck you fate and fuck you universe.

 

Not having me a buddy to hang with. Everyone seems paired up. My once close friends are now gone from me, with their best friends or loved ones, once again leaving me out on my own. My brothers are close, they have each other to hang onto, and I have always felt like the odd one out being the only girl of 4 children. My parents have each other. My friends who are close have their own lives and families. I guess this is just a battle with me being alone. I guess this pain is mostly because I want what they have. I want to feel alive with someone again. I know that all it takes is a phone call, but phone calls end. All it could take is a message on the computer or phone, but they turn off. I could venture out and go places, but with no car and no money to spend for anything extra, there is no point.

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I am not feeling sorry for myself and I am not asking for pity. I am just letting my thoughts and my emotions pour out of me and land here because it helps. I am just crying non-stop, feeling my body heave in distraught and my mind race in confusion and madness at all the questions that go unanswered, all the WHYS and HOWS. Why won’t they listen or get back to me, how could they treat me this way after all I have done and why can’t someone like me have someone like you. Why must I suffer? Ha-ha but millions of people ask that question everyday. The little boy asks God why he gets teased or why his mommy and daddy are getting divorced. The old woman asked the doctor why does she deserve to die from cancer? All these questions and I have no answers. I only know that there are certain keys to opening the doorways to what we want in life. I have never found one. Not yet. Will I? I haven’t a clue. But like everyday I will try. I will be grateful for what I DO have right now in my life. I will make new friends and I will overcome the pain and the weight of being let down so many times for being me. I hate myself, but I love myself so much too.

 

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time for you to leave again.

Normal Song

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“Hold my hand
I am afraid
Please pray for me
When I am away

Comfort the girl
Help her understand
No memory
No matter how sad
And no violence
No matter how bad
Can darken the heart
Or tear it apart

Take my hand
When you are scared
And I will pray
If you go back out there
Comfort the man
Help him understand
That no floating sheet
No matter how haunting
And no secret
No matter how nasty
Can poison your voice
Or keep you from joy”

By Perfume Genius “NORMAL SONG”

So much has happened this last month. So much that its hard to even comprehend all the emotions, all the tears, laughs and internal screams. The emotions are never ending. I see them in everything. Every random person on the street, every customer I wait on at work. All the books I read and films I see. We are human and being emotional is considered part of who we are. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel. I wish I could turn off that part of myself which always connects and understands. Maybe I wouldn’t be as broken as I feel half the time. Maybe I could get through a night without restless thoughts and worries. Maybe it would be better. Nah…I’m not like that. I refuse to not feel, to not connect or understand. I NEED it. I LIVE for it. Its what makes us…US. There’s not enough empathy in the world to begin with and if I shut it off, what does that make me?

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The pain has been real though both emotionally and physically. My jobs keep me busy, always moving in all different directions. Just when I am comfortable and at an even pace, it tosses me into something else. I can handle it though, honestly part of me doesn’t even mind. I just need the money. I want to get out on my own and get my own place, get a car. Part of me feels like I should have had this all done years ago. I fight with my past demons all the time, constantly asking myself WHY? I see all my school friends online with their families. They have grown up, and have loves, have children and good jobs. Are they happy? I don’t know, but I do know that I wish I had what they had. I know my own moral compass will point me in my direction and all will come ion due time. I am not forcing anything. I am currently doing the best I can in my situation. Work, finish college, and lose weight. Sometimes though the tears can flood any hopes of them coming true. The pain can be unbearable at times. My heart is constantly breaking with all the pain and sadness I feel and see around me. The look in my father’s eyes when he’s in constant agony. The worry and guilt on my mother’s lips as she always says how sorry she is. The unfortunate circumstances of close friends and the overwhelming feeling of helplessness of not being able to do anything to make it better. The stories of loss and heartbreak my coworkers tell me on my break at work. I am not one to complain. Lately it has just been more than I can handle. I just don’t understand why everything is suddenly so bad and so terrible and unfortunate. What did people do to deserve this? Why do I deserve this? These are questions I’ll never have any answers to and I’m okay with that. Just having you hear to listen to me is enough. People always say you can speak to me. You can tell me things. I know I can. Which is why I am writing this. The other day I saw a little girl give an elder homeless lady on the street a flower. The old lady smiled and sniffed it as she wiped her eye. I always tell others and myself that along with the constant ugliness in the world, there is always beauty hidden within it. Love is all around, although it may be difficult to spot, it is there.

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“Normal Song” is a tune I have been listening to lately and its all right there within the lyrics. That no matter how terrible things get or can be, there is always joy and love and understanding. So I keep on, I will work and I will fight these circumstances with the smile I have and brightness people always say I have within me. I need reassurance of it sometimes though. There are times I feel like giving up on it all. What’s the point? Then I see my reflection. THAT is the reason why.

My life. My goals. My dreams. My story.

ME.

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For Now…

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Sometimes I have moments where I completely lose myself. My shine trickles out through my eyes. I lose my thoughts, my feelings, my goals, and my sanity. Sometimes I feel so broken that I fear I’ll never actually heal again. The p9eces are broken beyond repair. Sometimes I hurt those around me more than I hurt myself. It hurts like hell upon reflection. I in return hate myself, hate who I am. Why say that? Why act that way? I don’t know. It was easier when I was a child. I was naive and hadn’t learned to think of others feelings before my own. I remember how selfish I was and still am today. Maybe that’s a good trait in some aspects of life, but not everything. I try not to be. Apparently it’s never enough. I’ve come to realize that everything is not enough. I am finally learning that concept. There’s always something more, something better. Better than me, better than I’ve always been.

I cried today. I lashed out. This addiction is killing me in more ways than one. I hate who I have become because of it. I hurt inside. Sometimes I feel like why am I even important to continue on. I know why. I remember what it felt like to hold someone close, someone special in my arms. I thought I was in love. Lies. I do this for a future. A life. A love that one-day will come for me. That hope always feels nice, but not when I am on my knees on my bedroom floor pounding my fits at the wooden floors beneath me. That hope does not comfort. During that moment I feel torn apart, I feel hopeless and discarded. A dying plant thrown out to drown its remaining life in the rain. I can only say I’m sorry so much. I try to speak the truth, but I’m afraid nothing is believable anymore.

 

I write this, not looking for anything other than your shoulder. It might not make any sense. It doesn’t to me half the time. I cry in the shower, I cry in my sleep, I cry in my dreams. Swimming in salty tears that sting the red flush on my face. This helps though. I feel a sense of relief as I pour my soul out onto this note. I’m not always strong. I can’t be. I’m human. I can’t always do right. This is what life is, learning and growing with each passing day until the sun comes up on the horizon. I will make it. Its going to hurt so fucking much, but I will do it. I will try to be kinder, better, the person they believe me to be.

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I think that’s all for now. Short and sweet. Well not sweet, sour even. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. I always do. A new day. A fresh start. New awaiting tears.

Love is…

“Even

After
All this time
The Sun never says to the Earth,

“You owe me.”

Look
What happens
With a love like that,
It lights the whole sky.”
— Hafiz

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Its one of those nights tonight, where my mind is wandering around in vacant spots that have no meaning, yet I find myself trying to find what it is. This last month has been the longest month that I can recall in a very long time. The days seemed to pass by quickly yet the time dragged on. I am eight pounds down within two weeks now, which is a good start. I wish I could say that my strength has been top notch and my heart brave and eager to devote all its time to this, but sadly no. I keep crying. I keep feeling that emptiness inside of me. The little voice of doubt, which screams into my soul everyday is still there and I know it always will be there.

“Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
“After all this time?”
“Always,” said Snape.”

Lately I have been thinking about love and life. How precious each moment is, how I wouldn’t give up a single second that I have shared with my family and my loved ones. I see these films about death and sickness. I see the world we live in now where people are banned and kept from what they need in order to survive. When seeing all this and knowing how real it is, it makes you see what is truly important in your life. My mind always wanders to my mother. I should tell her I love her more; I should always let her know how important she is to me and how grateful I am for her support and her devotion to me as her daughter. I should tell my father that he is strong. Strong enough to overcome his weaknesses and his sadness that he fights with daily. I should tell him how much I admire him and love him everyday. I should tell my little brothers how beautiful they all are and what incredible men they have grown up to be.

One of my favorite films about love is a film called Untamed Heart. One of my favorite lines from that movie is about love. “I loved him more than anything…I never knew life could be like that. Could be so beautiful and so nice. I was good at loving him.” Love is kind and pure and is everything. It is to me anyways. I know someday I will find someone to love with my entirety. I will give him my heart and carry his within my own. In a way I am scared, because never have I loved that way before, but part of me feels ready. I know right now I need to take the love I have for life and place that into myself and those around me. Time is precious. There isn’t enough time in the world. As soon as you close your eyes to the darkness, the sun arises with each blink. We are not promised the sun though, nor are we promised a moment where our eyes open. Therefore tomorrow I am waking up and I will be better than I was today. I will wear my heart on my sleeve more so than I ever have. Even though there is so much pain and ugliness in the world, I believe that the love we share with one another can honestly make it beautiful again.

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Remember, to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, “I love you” to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person might not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

I will try to sleep now, the voice inside me is quiet for the moment. Thank you for being there and listening to my rambling…you mean so much to me.

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A Fresh Start

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” -Oscar Wilde

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I’m writing this blog as way for me to express my emotion and my thoughts for these past few months. Life has not gone the way I have wanted it to. No one every plans for things to go badly, no one ever plans to lose someone they care about and no one ever plans to make drastic changes that would change the course of their life entirely. Honesty is key within these words I write and in my truth I must say that I have gone from bad to worse to destructive. My heart is broken in more places than I can count. I am lonely, I am sad, I am broke, I am tired and frankly exhausted of picking myself up after each time I fall. It would be so easy to say FUCK IT and stay down and let the chips fall where they may. Cover me completely and drown me in my sorrows and my self-pity. I have gained back more weight than I can count; I have lied and made wrong choices with my studies and my job. I am ashamed and I am beating myself up over it each morning I wake up. I am not making excuses or saying that because of circumstances I have decided to act as such. No, I could’ve made the right choices, I could’ve eaten healthy despite the mental abuse and pain I have been through, but my only comfort to get through that was food. Food is my savor and my getaway. It drowns out the noise, makes things bearable…for a time. Until I need more, cause the sounds of reality just keeps getting louder.

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            I am no saint and I’m not one to give up so easily, although I do almost always give in. I hate that about myself, I hate everything I have created that’s negative and I hate this giant hole I am buried in. But…with the sours of life, do come the sweets. I am now removing myself from a toxic environment and people and moving to a place where a fresh start awaits for me. I will be with a supportive family and will have options to help improve my health and my mentality. I know most are as fortunate as me, most cannot get away and if I had the power to change that for them, I would in a fucking heartbeat. I am lucky. I know that therefore I am making this promise to not fuck up and to EARN the life I deserve. I owe it to them and mostly to myself. I will have a job, I will be working towards the final steps of my school degree and I will be maintaining a healthy diet and exercise. I have this new place where I can finally take a deep breath and can finally see the big picture in its full color.

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
— Mae West

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            I am not perfect, I have fallen and I will fall again I am sure, but in this moment, this fresh start I will make the most of it. I will not squander the small chances life has to offer and the few kind gestures or handouts it offers when it passes by. My eyes have been shut again for far too long. These are merely words I know, what I need to give are results, to SHOW that this confession actually fucking means something and I am not bullshitting any longer. I am done with broken promises and broken hearts and souls. I want to fix myself. I want to live and I want to be happy and finally feel like I have earned everything that comes my way. So here I go. One foot in front of the other. The new year comes and along comes me. I have fucked up. But I am NOT a fuck up.

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“May you live every day of your life.”
— Jonathan Swift

Gooblen Gobs and Pre-fried Doe Doe Dung

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BG General Albert White, 1984

“Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you’re there.

It doesn’t matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that’s like you after you take your hands away. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching, he said. The lawn-cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime.”

I bet your all wondering what the hell the title of this blog even means right? I’ll tell you. It’s a phrase my grandfather says whenever something goes array or something just doesn’t add up or make sense, which in his case is 93% of the time. I’ve carried this saying with me everywhere I go and have always found myself repeating it whenever something goes crazy in my life.

This past weekend was his 80th birthday. We had family from all over come to visit us here in Maine where the water is crystal blue and the leaves change from green to many shades of orange and red. He’s slowly making his way up to heaven we realize, as does he. One foot basically in the doorway as he is hesitating to continue forward. With tears in our eyes we managed smiles and laughter during this weekend as he came out to spend his remaining energy with us all.

He might’ve not always been well liked; he was a BG General after all. He flew the military planes and took photos while he was up in the air. I remember seeing photos all around the house when I was little, never actually knowing what they were or what the hell I was even looking at. He always had famous tall tales of the men he encountered, the many dinners and awards he received for his acts of courage and his radiance as a military man, husband, father and grandfather. He might’ve had a strong suit, maybe even a firm hand and gaze, but it always changed when he was around me. I would get a dollar for combing his hair which he wanted almost everyday. I would put close pins up by his ears to pretend he was getting a facial, he would laugh and say “Good job kiddo.” He would always buy donut holes with the rainbow sprinkles, and have the Saturday morning cartoons ready. The boat he had bought when I was born was named “SUNNY V” after me and the countless tractor rides through the meadows and woods will forever be a memory deep in my heart.

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            He has helped me in so many ways growing up, always been a grandfather I could count on and confide in and always wanted the best for me and his family. As he grew older his perceptions changed as he became softer and even more enjoyable. Sometimes he can be harsh and unbearable, but among the sours always comes the sweets, for he always apologies. Seeing him now from the man he used to be, seeing how much a person can change. How much a person can grow. He’s not who he was, he has forgiven many things, things that people thought he would take to the grave with him. I guess in his final days here he teaches me something everyday. Let go of what you can not control and take whatever comes. Don’t hang on to hate and each day always tell the ones you love, how much they mean to you and thank them for being there and for loving you back. This is what I have learned and what I know. I smile at him as I kiss his cheek goodnight always telling him how much I truly love him and always will, with this a single tear rolls down his cheek and he smiles before he goes to sleep and I smile as I close the door.

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“His grandfather had often told him that he tried too hard to move trees when a wiser man would walk around them.”

VERITAS vos liberabit. (The truth shall set you free)

 

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“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”-Mark Twain

One thing I have learned in my life is to always speak the truth. I cannot even begin to mention how many times I have lied in my life and I was always greeted with a hard punch in the face and the gut. It left me motionless and unable to move as the tears bombarded me and I felt worthless. I truly believe that being true to yourself and to those around you, you are truly the most beautiful person in the world. There’s nothing fake about who you are, there’s nothing shameful or obscene. Its just you and that certainly shows what your character is made of. I have learned a great deal from those who are incredible inspirations around me, most of them family, friends and even strangers.

I knew a young girl one time that lied to herself everyday. She would wake up in the morning, putting on her black spandex pants and oversized shirt, not even bothering to look into the mirror for it was covered with a sheet and in the middle was a poster of some supermodel. “That’s what I look like.” She said everyday. Never mind the terrible stretch marks on her skin and the bloated firmness of her belly and ankles as she grabbed her book bag and left for school. Each day she would take her hard earned money and stop by the neighbor café to grab herself some deep fried foods for her breakfast and grab an extra sandwich for a snack. She would do this daily, never wanting anyone to know her secrets underneath it all. She lied to herself about people liking her and being her friend. She lied to herself that she was popular and well known. She lied to herself thinking that she was this important somebody that was the most beautiful person in creation.

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends – they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything – they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them – actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soulmate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re going to fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.” –Marilyn Monroe

One day that dream was dominated by reality when a car accident woke her up out of her lying phase. The doctor had said that thankfully since this young girl was fat, she lived through this accident. Along with that, the many stares she got, the silent snickers she heard throughout her classes, the zero phone calls she got from boys and the clothes that she had that didn’t ever fit all became clear to her. She wasn’t what she dreamed of. That was someone else, someone who had it all. This girl finally pulled the sheet off her mirror and looked at who she really was. She saw the truth and the truth saw her. As the tears poured from her eyes the destination as finally clear. The girl wanted to become who she had dreamed of. No more lies, no more pretending. That gets you nowhere; it makes you miserable and creates this giant web of never ending sadness and guilt that you just cannot climb out of. This girl jumped. I jumped.

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            I was ashamed of what I had done to myself back then, how poorly I treated myself because at the time it was the only way to let out all the feelings I had bottled inside, the troubles I had with school, with family, with my parents and friends, with depression and being lonely. That food was my best friend. That best friend taught me to lie, taught me to pretend so I could keep going down that path of uncertainly, of doubts and make believe. I didn’t want to lie anymore. I wanted to find out who I was and what I was capable of. I was afraid I know that now. I was afraid of change, of stepping out of my comfort zone. God knows the darkness is so easy to hide in, its so comforting and safe, but also fake and not real. So does the truth really set you free? It did for me in this situation in my life. Lying to yourself about who you are is one of the most dehumanizing things anyone could ever do to themselves. I wasn’t going to do that anymore and couldn’t. I wanted to be me. Sunny. And Damn it. That’s what I was going to be.

“But better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.”— Khaled Hosseini

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The Missing Piece

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“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I went for a walk today. It was like any other, sandy footsteps along our roadside and then down by my house, close to our cool Maine waters. The sun was clear today and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I stopped and wondered how did I end up here? Did I make the right choices? Was there anything I could do to prevent the bad things from finding me? Was I good enough? Did they like me? Did I make a good impression? Can I live with what I have done and myself? I smiled at myself, over thinking again which is something not uncommon with my ways and me. I tend to think too much, which is why I am here writing to you all out there in the cyber space. I tend to think of you all as itty-bitty stars blanketing the dark chemical fixtures of the online galaxy, each one of you so perfect in your own ways, so beautiful and meaningful in your own lives. I have trained myself to think that way about myself as well. You need to. You need to love who you are and what you do. I figured it out one night when I was looking up at that starry sky. In that one moment I told the hatred to fuck off and welcome love. I don’t regret that decision. I don’t regret the many bad choices I made which got me to this stage in my life. Each stage that created the being I am. The only regret I have is that I didn’t care enough about myself. I didn’t care enough about my family or those around me whom I affected with my bad choices. It’s pointless to dwell on the past, but these are the thoughts that enter my mind as I sit quietly here down by the water.

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I have tons of regrets I realized, some of which I will never know if perhaps could’ve changed my outcome. Maybe I wouldn’t be alone. Maybe I wouldn’t be fighting this addiction. Maybe I wouldn’t be so broken. There was a boy I once knew, who was always there for me. He was my unicorn. The piece of my puzzle that made my picture look incredibly beautiful. He wanted to kiss me one day and I declined, being only 7 years old. I was too afraid. Fear. I have learned to overcome this terrible feeling since that day. His smile still keeps me awake at night as he died soon there after. Never did I get to give him his simple kiss. It was stolen from me. My puzzle has never been whole since that moment. It was meant to be apparently, but what does that actually mean? I ask myself questions like this all the time. Questions that just have no answers, none logical anyway. I regret not telling my great grandmother how important she was to me the last day I saw her. I was in too much of a hurry to go. I had to go see a movie with friends, friends who turned out to be nothing but a waste. I regret not being kinder to those who needed kindness and I regret not seeing the world with my eyes wide open as I missed so much with them half closed.

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I wiped the tears from my eyes, shaking my head. It does no good to think about this. The only thing I can do now and live my life the best I can without any regrets. I see too far sometimes, maybe I am too nice or too kind…maybe I just don’t want to miss anything. Maybe I am tired of living with my eyes closed to what really means something to me. I want to see and I want to enjoy everything and one day finds that piece of my missing puzzle and takes back that kiss which was stolen. Maybe one day.

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.”

Being A Food Addict

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“Freedom lies in being bold” -Robert Frost

I love food. I love the way it tastes, I love the way it smells and I love the way it comforts me when I am feeling at my lowest. I never really thought I had a food addiction growing up, I always just thought I REALLY LOVED food and I am good at eating it so why not eat. Slowly over the years it began to become a habit. I used food as a revenge method for when people did me wrong in my life. I used it as a comfort when I felt alone and left behind by friends or hurt by those I loved. I used it as a reward for achieving something amazing or accomplishing something in my life. It had become a best friend, almost as if it was a part of my everyday surroundings as well as myself.

Little by little my reflection changed. When one day I had looked into the mirror and saw a girl staring back at me I hardly recognized. Who are you? I asked. I AM YOU. It said. Seeing what I had become turned life into reality. My health plummeted and my heart was dying within my enormous body. No longer could I live this way, for this was not living…this was dying. I was lazy and didn’t care, I had actually gone out and bought Mickey D’s thinking just one more night, one more big dinner before the change. I had had many nights of BIG dinners before, many nights of saying, just one more day. This little voice inside would say to me Sunny, they won’t notice, you could hide the food, get as much as you want. So…I did. I would order a large meal, then get another couple burgers with nuggets and fries. I would take my book bag with me and hide my food in it so no one could see me walk in with it. Once I was alone in my room, my hideaway, I would put on a movie and nestle in and eat it all. I would have a drawer next to my bed and I would hide chips and candy bars within it afraid that I would not have enough food to fulfill myself. I drank soda and would hardly move around, always too tired and not feeling well. Why didn’t I do something sooner? Why did I continue on doing this routine? Because it was easy. It was easier to say yes to the temptation then to say no. I was afraid and weak and not giving myself a chance to prove that I actually could.

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Once I turn my words into truthful actions and prove my capabilities, you will see me…UNDERNEATH.

Then one morning it happened. I was very sick and I was in pain, seeing how terrible I looked and knowing that I would die sooner rather than later. I remember watching a TV show about a woman who was dying because of how fat she was. I didn’t want to die. I saw how much pain and sadness I was bestowing upon my family as they saw me slowly kill myself and I didn’t want to hurt them anymore. Most importantly though I saw my own eyes stare back at me in the mirror and the eyes were filled with such pain and such sorrow. If not now Sunny? Then when? I finally had had enough and that day I started something new. I changed it. It was and has been the hardest most painful and terrible struggle in my life. I lose weight and then gain it back, I am motivated, and then I am not. Some days are easy…no scratch that…. the days are never easy…some days are bearable, others are unbearable. I have struggled and fallen, but I keep getting back up. After almost a year of being on the right track I fell off and I stayed off for a while. Trying to mend an illness as the temptation crept back in and my old friend visited once again drowning me in my sorrow and showing me what I was giving up. This time around I didn’t let it stick. I used everything I had and shoved that bitch back down, kicking back out of my life. I have started once again. I am not making any more promises to anyone but one person and that’s myself, a promise of never giving up and to keep going. I have decided not to talk anymore, but to show. I need to show myself that once again I can do this and once and for all can achieve my dreams and overcome this addiction. I need to do this. No more fucking around. Now is the time, now is reality. If I don’t do it now…then when? Do I want to die and have a heart attack and leave this beautiful world and all those I love within it? NO. Do I want to live long and pursue my dreams as a writer and dedicate my life to those in need and have a family of my own? YES. CAN I DO THIS? YES. WILL IT BE EASY? FUCK NO. But I have no choice. I am done of losing. I am done pretending everything is alright when everything is actually crashing all around me. I am done. I AM FUCKING DONE.

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I was in my Uncle’s pool  today and I was floating there, letting the water crash over me. I heard nothing but the sound of the water moving underneath with the muffled coldness of it blanketing around me. The little voice inside was silenced and I couldn’t hear it. Instead of crying, I smiled; happy to have had another successful day under my belt and to see the numbers on the scales decrease once more. I am not ashamed of myself anymore, I feel like being a food addict has shown me the person I am underneath it all. I am a person who has courage and self-control. I can overcome many obstacles because of this addiction. I can look in the mirror and smile at myself knowing that it can and has been beaten, every single day. Because of so many beautiful people and influences I have more hope than ever. I have support, but all of that means nothing and does nothing for you unless you have hope within yourself and support your own being.

 

I will win. I will win. I WILL WIN.

 

We have been forever close

You were my very first friend

You were my savior

My undying comfort when times were the toughest

I gave into you, you won me over

Time and time again

My deepest regrets pour into your hands

You made me happy…once

I have been shown the light, a taste of freedom

Escaping from your deadly grasp

Your embrace is intoxicating, your pleas so alluring

Still…I walkaway…you’re no good to me

A once best friend, now my worst enemy

I will defeat you…everyday…in the mirror I look

Seeing the damage you have done…the choices I made for you

No more will I be yours…now I will be mine.

My own…my very own. Life has never tasted as sweet as it does without.