Here I Am

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Here I feel the welcoming embrace of something bigger than myself.

Here I feel the warmth of a forgiving heart.

Here I feel the need to continue on. Wayward.

Here the light never stops shining. Darkness is unheard of.

Here I can fly. High above the cotton clouds.

No limits. No worries. No fear.

Weightless. Filled with Hope and Love.

Eternally grateful. 

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Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

George Bernard Shaw

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I am Fine

Morning By The Lake

Hello again.

I am ready to start writing again. I am ready to start anew. I can’t live this way and I know that I say this every time, but I mean it now. I am 30 years old and I want a life that means something to me. I am capable of so many amazing things. I have the tools, I have the support. I have it all. Might sound a bit selfish or conceited but its the truth. What’s been stopping me? Easy…myself.

I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready,
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready,
I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready,
I am fine
I am fine
I am fine
by Counting Crows
This is myself. This is me. Alone. Living. Finally.

You’ve won again…

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I sit and watch
as the rain falls
from a sky so dark and gray

Is this life
a crying sky?
If so,
not even I can fight.

I’m tired of hurting,
I’m tired of tears.
I’m tired of being alone
for all these years.

I want peace,
and I want love.
I want to break free
to fly above!

I got fired today. Or let go, however you would like to put it. I was let go because of my recklessness, my lack of ambition. My illnesses which have been brought on by asthma and my physical weight and the damn weather. I lost again and you have won again. I see the face staring back at me in the mirror. Your face. You’ve won that. So heavy, so unhealthy and painful. I have let it all go it seems. Let go of the reins that kept me on track. Let go of the strength that I tried to carry for so long. Its all gone now.

I handed them my badge, my work uniform and my smile. So ashamed I felt as I left, walking down the stairs in front of the entire store, feeling their eyes on me as I was made to leave. Never have I had to do this before.

Never.

Never have I been so low before, so angry and hateful towards myself, towards everyone.  I feel like theres this giant void inside of myself that i just cannot seem to fill. Sometimes I wonder who I even am anymore. I cant seem to find myself, my purpose. What I really want out of my life, what I want to achieve or become. Perhaps we spend our entire lives trying to find the purpose. Perhaps thats the whole point? I don’t know.

I can’t seem to sleep at night anymore. Nightmares hound me and my dreams. I am under stress to find now another job, stress to save money and get a car, get a place of my own, get my weight under control, graduate college and find a job that pays well. The list is infinite. I know what I need to do, I just don’t love myself enough to try anymore. Theres others who deserve more than I do and apart of me wishes to just disappear and let them have the light.

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I’m buried for now. Underneath it all. I haven’t given up though. There is a tiny piece inside of me still burning, I can feel it. It makes me cry. Life is so precious and you should want to live it and be free and happy. It takes all of my energy trying to not hate it and waste it on meaningless things. I know what I need, its just so hard right now to even try and fight. You can say I am a quitter for now. I won’t because I refuse to be.

Here come the tears.

Pain.

Anger.

I need to sleep now.

I love you. Thanks for listening.

You Never Know

 

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My heart is bursting.

Compact with the eagerness of vintage flowers waiting to be thrown into the air.

My eyes are sparkling.

Glistening with the passionate waters of eternal thirst yearning to be pouring into your veins.

My mind is racing.

Spinning like the horrid winds of the dreadful twisters of insanity, longing to whisk you away into my arms.

 

Sometimes the words I see in my mind tend to come out before I even have a chance to speak them directly. This poem I wrote describes my notions on love. My love for another person, my love for myself. I have many demons and battles to overcome, this is fact. One demon I don’t have to worry about is the one for my self. I do love who I am and what I try to do. I fail so many times, but I also pick myself up as well. I keep trying. In school whenever there was a certain situation where someone was afraid to go “first” or to exceed expectations or take risks, I always stepped forward. There was never a lingering moment. I had fearlessness. Sometimes I wish that bravery would step out against my food addiction voice and knock it on its ass once and for all, but I know it’s all up to me in the end. No one can win your battles for you. I always loved that though about myself.

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I never had any fear when asking for what I wanted or needed. I figured at least I could try once and see what would happen. I should get the words “You never know” tattooed on me, for they seem to be a sort of my motto in life. For instance “you never know” what might happen if you don’t quit your job. “You never know” what might happen if you be the one to call the guy first and ask him out. “You never know” if you can get extra help if you ask the questions people are to shy or lazy to ask themselves. You just never know. I never know. What will happen in a year? a week? a day? an hour? You never know. All I know at this moment is that I am doing the best I can. I love who I am and my heart is longing to love another with all the beats and joys it can possibly hold within itself. I don’t know who they will be. But I know that I will do everything and anything for them. Its true when they say that you treat others you love better than how you treat yourself. Here I am saying I will do anything for the person I fall in love with and I should also be doing the same for myself. Guess what? I am. In my own way I am. I’m proud of that. Proud of me. Proud of life. Of love. You never know.

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Hello Darkness my old friend…

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Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.

 

Sometimes I feel as if I’m alone in the dark. Surrounded by nothing but complete agony and pain. I feel the heart ache swell underneath my skin and the tears drown my eyes as I sob uncontrollably unable to stop or to breathe. It comes and goes this blanket of darkness as certain things trigger my emotions.

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Such as being alone. Everyone says well you’re not alone and I myself have said it to many people and in a way no, you aren’t ever alone because there are people who are there for you and are willing to listen. But not always are there people there to love. Not the kind of love one needs. Someone special, someone to hold, someone to wipe these hot tears away. I am so happy for those who have someone special in their lives. I don’t know if they ever stop and think about how lucky they truly are. I know some are thinking “Well, I am not that lucky or pfft! Yeah I have someone but he’s a dick or whatever.” Yeah I get that. But at the end of the day you had a moment where you were once happy with this person. I haven’t had that. It was taken from me at a young age. Losing the boy I might’ve ended up with for the rest of my life. I tried with a girl once and that wasn’t meant for me. I see everyone with a buddy, a smile, love in their hearts and mine is bursting. Yearning to give all the love I have to someone. It kills me when people say you’re such a good person, you have such light and kindness and beauty. Well…why the fuck can’t I find someone then? Why can’t I be truly happy? Cause it’s just not my time? Am I not looking? Fuck you fate and fuck you universe.

 

Not having me a buddy to hang with. Everyone seems paired up. My once close friends are now gone from me, with their best friends or loved ones, once again leaving me out on my own. My brothers are close, they have each other to hang onto, and I have always felt like the odd one out being the only girl of 4 children. My parents have each other. My friends who are close have their own lives and families. I guess this is just a battle with me being alone. I guess this pain is mostly because I want what they have. I want to feel alive with someone again. I know that all it takes is a phone call, but phone calls end. All it could take is a message on the computer or phone, but they turn off. I could venture out and go places, but with no car and no money to spend for anything extra, there is no point.

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I am not feeling sorry for myself and I am not asking for pity. I am just letting my thoughts and my emotions pour out of me and land here because it helps. I am just crying non-stop, feeling my body heave in distraught and my mind race in confusion and madness at all the questions that go unanswered, all the WHYS and HOWS. Why won’t they listen or get back to me, how could they treat me this way after all I have done and why can’t someone like me have someone like you. Why must I suffer? Ha-ha but millions of people ask that question everyday. The little boy asks God why he gets teased or why his mommy and daddy are getting divorced. The old woman asked the doctor why does she deserve to die from cancer? All these questions and I have no answers. I only know that there are certain keys to opening the doorways to what we want in life. I have never found one. Not yet. Will I? I haven’t a clue. But like everyday I will try. I will be grateful for what I DO have right now in my life. I will make new friends and I will overcome the pain and the weight of being let down so many times for being me. I hate myself, but I love myself so much too.

 

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time for you to leave again.

Normal Song

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“Hold my hand
I am afraid
Please pray for me
When I am away

Comfort the girl
Help her understand
No memory
No matter how sad
And no violence
No matter how bad
Can darken the heart
Or tear it apart

Take my hand
When you are scared
And I will pray
If you go back out there
Comfort the man
Help him understand
That no floating sheet
No matter how haunting
And no secret
No matter how nasty
Can poison your voice
Or keep you from joy”

By Perfume Genius “NORMAL SONG”

So much has happened this last month. So much that its hard to even comprehend all the emotions, all the tears, laughs and internal screams. The emotions are never ending. I see them in everything. Every random person on the street, every customer I wait on at work. All the books I read and films I see. We are human and being emotional is considered part of who we are. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel. I wish I could turn off that part of myself which always connects and understands. Maybe I wouldn’t be as broken as I feel half the time. Maybe I could get through a night without restless thoughts and worries. Maybe it would be better. Nah…I’m not like that. I refuse to not feel, to not connect or understand. I NEED it. I LIVE for it. Its what makes us…US. There’s not enough empathy in the world to begin with and if I shut it off, what does that make me?

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The pain has been real though both emotionally and physically. My jobs keep me busy, always moving in all different directions. Just when I am comfortable and at an even pace, it tosses me into something else. I can handle it though, honestly part of me doesn’t even mind. I just need the money. I want to get out on my own and get my own place, get a car. Part of me feels like I should have had this all done years ago. I fight with my past demons all the time, constantly asking myself WHY? I see all my school friends online with their families. They have grown up, and have loves, have children and good jobs. Are they happy? I don’t know, but I do know that I wish I had what they had. I know my own moral compass will point me in my direction and all will come ion due time. I am not forcing anything. I am currently doing the best I can in my situation. Work, finish college, and lose weight. Sometimes though the tears can flood any hopes of them coming true. The pain can be unbearable at times. My heart is constantly breaking with all the pain and sadness I feel and see around me. The look in my father’s eyes when he’s in constant agony. The worry and guilt on my mother’s lips as she always says how sorry she is. The unfortunate circumstances of close friends and the overwhelming feeling of helplessness of not being able to do anything to make it better. The stories of loss and heartbreak my coworkers tell me on my break at work. I am not one to complain. Lately it has just been more than I can handle. I just don’t understand why everything is suddenly so bad and so terrible and unfortunate. What did people do to deserve this? Why do I deserve this? These are questions I’ll never have any answers to and I’m okay with that. Just having you hear to listen to me is enough. People always say you can speak to me. You can tell me things. I know I can. Which is why I am writing this. The other day I saw a little girl give an elder homeless lady on the street a flower. The old lady smiled and sniffed it as she wiped her eye. I always tell others and myself that along with the constant ugliness in the world, there is always beauty hidden within it. Love is all around, although it may be difficult to spot, it is there.

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“Normal Song” is a tune I have been listening to lately and its all right there within the lyrics. That no matter how terrible things get or can be, there is always joy and love and understanding. So I keep on, I will work and I will fight these circumstances with the smile I have and brightness people always say I have within me. I need reassurance of it sometimes though. There are times I feel like giving up on it all. What’s the point? Then I see my reflection. THAT is the reason why.

My life. My goals. My dreams. My story.

ME.

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For Now…

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Sometimes I have moments where I completely lose myself. My shine trickles out through my eyes. I lose my thoughts, my feelings, my goals, and my sanity. Sometimes I feel so broken that I fear I’ll never actually heal again. The p9eces are broken beyond repair. Sometimes I hurt those around me more than I hurt myself. It hurts like hell upon reflection. I in return hate myself, hate who I am. Why say that? Why act that way? I don’t know. It was easier when I was a child. I was naive and hadn’t learned to think of others feelings before my own. I remember how selfish I was and still am today. Maybe that’s a good trait in some aspects of life, but not everything. I try not to be. Apparently it’s never enough. I’ve come to realize that everything is not enough. I am finally learning that concept. There’s always something more, something better. Better than me, better than I’ve always been.

I cried today. I lashed out. This addiction is killing me in more ways than one. I hate who I have become because of it. I hurt inside. Sometimes I feel like why am I even important to continue on. I know why. I remember what it felt like to hold someone close, someone special in my arms. I thought I was in love. Lies. I do this for a future. A life. A love that one-day will come for me. That hope always feels nice, but not when I am on my knees on my bedroom floor pounding my fits at the wooden floors beneath me. That hope does not comfort. During that moment I feel torn apart, I feel hopeless and discarded. A dying plant thrown out to drown its remaining life in the rain. I can only say I’m sorry so much. I try to speak the truth, but I’m afraid nothing is believable anymore.

 

I write this, not looking for anything other than your shoulder. It might not make any sense. It doesn’t to me half the time. I cry in the shower, I cry in my sleep, I cry in my dreams. Swimming in salty tears that sting the red flush on my face. This helps though. I feel a sense of relief as I pour my soul out onto this note. I’m not always strong. I can’t be. I’m human. I can’t always do right. This is what life is, learning and growing with each passing day until the sun comes up on the horizon. I will make it. Its going to hurt so fucking much, but I will do it. I will try to be kinder, better, the person they believe me to be.

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I think that’s all for now. Short and sweet. Well not sweet, sour even. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. I always do. A new day. A fresh start. New awaiting tears.

Love is…

“Even

After
All this time
The Sun never says to the Earth,

“You owe me.”

Look
What happens
With a love like that,
It lights the whole sky.”
— Hafiz

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Its one of those nights tonight, where my mind is wandering around in vacant spots that have no meaning, yet I find myself trying to find what it is. This last month has been the longest month that I can recall in a very long time. The days seemed to pass by quickly yet the time dragged on. I am eight pounds down within two weeks now, which is a good start. I wish I could say that my strength has been top notch and my heart brave and eager to devote all its time to this, but sadly no. I keep crying. I keep feeling that emptiness inside of me. The little voice of doubt, which screams into my soul everyday is still there and I know it always will be there.

“Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
“After all this time?”
“Always,” said Snape.”

Lately I have been thinking about love and life. How precious each moment is, how I wouldn’t give up a single second that I have shared with my family and my loved ones. I see these films about death and sickness. I see the world we live in now where people are banned and kept from what they need in order to survive. When seeing all this and knowing how real it is, it makes you see what is truly important in your life. My mind always wanders to my mother. I should tell her I love her more; I should always let her know how important she is to me and how grateful I am for her support and her devotion to me as her daughter. I should tell my father that he is strong. Strong enough to overcome his weaknesses and his sadness that he fights with daily. I should tell him how much I admire him and love him everyday. I should tell my little brothers how beautiful they all are and what incredible men they have grown up to be.

One of my favorite films about love is a film called Untamed Heart. One of my favorite lines from that movie is about love. “I loved him more than anything…I never knew life could be like that. Could be so beautiful and so nice. I was good at loving him.” Love is kind and pure and is everything. It is to me anyways. I know someday I will find someone to love with my entirety. I will give him my heart and carry his within my own. In a way I am scared, because never have I loved that way before, but part of me feels ready. I know right now I need to take the love I have for life and place that into myself and those around me. Time is precious. There isn’t enough time in the world. As soon as you close your eyes to the darkness, the sun arises with each blink. We are not promised the sun though, nor are we promised a moment where our eyes open. Therefore tomorrow I am waking up and I will be better than I was today. I will wear my heart on my sleeve more so than I ever have. Even though there is so much pain and ugliness in the world, I believe that the love we share with one another can honestly make it beautiful again.

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Remember, to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, “I love you” to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person might not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

I will try to sleep now, the voice inside me is quiet for the moment. Thank you for being there and listening to my rambling…you mean so much to me.

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A Fresh Start

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” -Oscar Wilde

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I’m writing this blog as way for me to express my emotion and my thoughts for these past few months. Life has not gone the way I have wanted it to. No one every plans for things to go badly, no one ever plans to lose someone they care about and no one ever plans to make drastic changes that would change the course of their life entirely. Honesty is key within these words I write and in my truth I must say that I have gone from bad to worse to destructive. My heart is broken in more places than I can count. I am lonely, I am sad, I am broke, I am tired and frankly exhausted of picking myself up after each time I fall. It would be so easy to say FUCK IT and stay down and let the chips fall where they may. Cover me completely and drown me in my sorrows and my self-pity. I have gained back more weight than I can count; I have lied and made wrong choices with my studies and my job. I am ashamed and I am beating myself up over it each morning I wake up. I am not making excuses or saying that because of circumstances I have decided to act as such. No, I could’ve made the right choices, I could’ve eaten healthy despite the mental abuse and pain I have been through, but my only comfort to get through that was food. Food is my savor and my getaway. It drowns out the noise, makes things bearable…for a time. Until I need more, cause the sounds of reality just keeps getting louder.

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            I am no saint and I’m not one to give up so easily, although I do almost always give in. I hate that about myself, I hate everything I have created that’s negative and I hate this giant hole I am buried in. But…with the sours of life, do come the sweets. I am now removing myself from a toxic environment and people and moving to a place where a fresh start awaits for me. I will be with a supportive family and will have options to help improve my health and my mentality. I know most are as fortunate as me, most cannot get away and if I had the power to change that for them, I would in a fucking heartbeat. I am lucky. I know that therefore I am making this promise to not fuck up and to EARN the life I deserve. I owe it to them and mostly to myself. I will have a job, I will be working towards the final steps of my school degree and I will be maintaining a healthy diet and exercise. I have this new place where I can finally take a deep breath and can finally see the big picture in its full color.

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
— Mae West

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            I am not perfect, I have fallen and I will fall again I am sure, but in this moment, this fresh start I will make the most of it. I will not squander the small chances life has to offer and the few kind gestures or handouts it offers when it passes by. My eyes have been shut again for far too long. These are merely words I know, what I need to give are results, to SHOW that this confession actually fucking means something and I am not bullshitting any longer. I am done with broken promises and broken hearts and souls. I want to fix myself. I want to live and I want to be happy and finally feel like I have earned everything that comes my way. So here I go. One foot in front of the other. The new year comes and along comes me. I have fucked up. But I am NOT a fuck up.

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“May you live every day of your life.”
— Jonathan Swift

Gooblen Gobs and Pre-fried Doe Doe Dung

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BG General Albert White, 1984

“Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you’re there.

It doesn’t matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that’s like you after you take your hands away. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching, he said. The lawn-cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime.”

I bet your all wondering what the hell the title of this blog even means right? I’ll tell you. It’s a phrase my grandfather says whenever something goes array or something just doesn’t add up or make sense, which in his case is 93% of the time. I’ve carried this saying with me everywhere I go and have always found myself repeating it whenever something goes crazy in my life.

This past weekend was his 80th birthday. We had family from all over come to visit us here in Maine where the water is crystal blue and the leaves change from green to many shades of orange and red. He’s slowly making his way up to heaven we realize, as does he. One foot basically in the doorway as he is hesitating to continue forward. With tears in our eyes we managed smiles and laughter during this weekend as he came out to spend his remaining energy with us all.

He might’ve not always been well liked; he was a BG General after all. He flew the military planes and took photos while he was up in the air. I remember seeing photos all around the house when I was little, never actually knowing what they were or what the hell I was even looking at. He always had famous tall tales of the men he encountered, the many dinners and awards he received for his acts of courage and his radiance as a military man, husband, father and grandfather. He might’ve had a strong suit, maybe even a firm hand and gaze, but it always changed when he was around me. I would get a dollar for combing his hair which he wanted almost everyday. I would put close pins up by his ears to pretend he was getting a facial, he would laugh and say “Good job kiddo.” He would always buy donut holes with the rainbow sprinkles, and have the Saturday morning cartoons ready. The boat he had bought when I was born was named “SUNNY V” after me and the countless tractor rides through the meadows and woods will forever be a memory deep in my heart.

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            He has helped me in so many ways growing up, always been a grandfather I could count on and confide in and always wanted the best for me and his family. As he grew older his perceptions changed as he became softer and even more enjoyable. Sometimes he can be harsh and unbearable, but among the sours always comes the sweets, for he always apologies. Seeing him now from the man he used to be, seeing how much a person can change. How much a person can grow. He’s not who he was, he has forgiven many things, things that people thought he would take to the grave with him. I guess in his final days here he teaches me something everyday. Let go of what you can not control and take whatever comes. Don’t hang on to hate and each day always tell the ones you love, how much they mean to you and thank them for being there and for loving you back. This is what I have learned and what I know. I smile at him as I kiss his cheek goodnight always telling him how much I truly love him and always will, with this a single tear rolls down his cheek and he smiles before he goes to sleep and I smile as I close the door.

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“His grandfather had often told him that he tried too hard to move trees when a wiser man would walk around them.”