“To die will be an awfully big adventure.”
Its now almost midnight here in the great state of Maine. A cool summer breeze is finally making itself known from my window. God it was warm today. I can always function better in the cool air, which is probably why I love autumn and winter so much. Anyways, back to my headline…I am here feeling the hunger pains starting in my tummy. I have eaten enough, but my addiction always lingers. It’s a small voice inside my head whispering the cans and wills to me non-stop. Right now I am shutting its fucking mouth by sitting here writing to you all to let you know of when I almost died and how it’s changed my life. A grim subject I know, but when faced with reality…. this is everywhere and if I can prove something good from it, then I will talk about it.
The first time I almost died was when I was 11 years old. It was May 9, 2000. That date will forever be etched into my memory. My mama and I were heading down the road from our home to get coolatas and a donut at Dunkins. It was finally her day off and I had been missing spending time with her. I always jumped at any chance to share anything with her. I admired her and loved her so very much. (Still do, even more so now) In order to get from Dunkin to our home, we had to cross a four-way intersection in the crowded streets of downtown Portland. I know I’m not a city girl, from New York or LA, so I wouldn’t really know of hardcore traffic, but to an eleven year old girl this is as crowded as it gets for me. So there we were waiting on the side of the street for the light to turn so we could cross. It did. I started walking along pulling my mother close behind me, I remember looking back at her and smiling and then looking forward. Just as I turned back around, I remember seeing the front of a red car. That was it.
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
— Mae West
I woke up on the ground. My mother was beside me, cradling my right arm in her shirt with blood everywhere. I couldn’t move and my body felt numb. My vision wasn’t so good since my glasses got knocked off my face crushed, so I was blind laying on the ground in the middle of a four way intersection with people surrounding me. I can’t tell you how scared I was. Mostly because I was in shock and had no idea what had just happened. My love for the fire department is beyond words grateful since one man who was off duty jumped out of his truck to come over and help me. “Does this hurt?” he asked. “I need my glasses Mom…Mom where are my glasses?” I asked her as she rocked back and forth cradling my bloody arm as if it were a baby. “Its okay sweetheart, we will get your glasses. “ she assured me with her big brown eyes. They looked different to me I remember. It was a different kind of worry she bestowed upon me right then and it was that look that made me realize what was happening. Was I going to die? Did I have eternal bleeding? A concussion? The thoughts flooded me and as they did so did my tears. I couldn’t stop crying. I was afraid I was going to die or was dying. I thought…NO! I have so much left to do. I have so much to live for. Please.
The ambulance came and loaded me into the back. It was actually pretty nifty to be back there. They have so many machines and gadgets I was mesmerized. I rode by myself since they wouldn’t allow my mother to ride with me since she was coated in my blood from my arm which glass sticking out of it. I didn’t bother to check out my legs. They were bloody and felt fine at the moment. Once we finally got to the hospital I had all sorts of exams and tests. It was the ONLY time I can say that being fat saved my life, for that’s what the doctor had said for I managed to walk away with NO broken bones, Just millions of cuts and bruises and nerve damaged in my back and leg. I can’t tell you how happy I was to know I was all right. That I wasn’t going to die.
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
I was sent home later that evening, and I remember right then looking out my window and seeing the stars. Those stars and I were old friends you see. I always wished upon them when I was little. Only they knew my secrets and my thoughts. I was grateful to see them once again as warm tear streamed down my cheeks. I almost died that day, but for some reason I lived. The same kind of tale can be told about this past month with the waves in Hawaii which most of you know about, a 9 ft. wave tackling me down into the water and not letting me up. By some miracle I found strength and lifted myself up out of it along with the help from my brother and sister and law. Again…I almost died, but didn’t. And even before all of this I almost have died because of my weight. I am slowly dying everyday that I don’t do something about it. Which is why I am writing this now…to show that I am doing something. To see the deeper meaning behind it all, to know that I am worthy of something better than I could ever imagine. You all are to be honest. I didn’t die for a reason, I see that now, I see that I have a purpose and that I should be going the distance with the life I have been granted not once, twice or even three times. We are never promised a tomorrow. After remembering all of this my dear friends words made sense to me and he is right. I didn’t know if I was going to die right then and there, I didn’t know if I would ever see tomorrow. Looking up at those stars that night I was grateful for my life. Grateful for what I had been given. I did the same on the night from Hawaii after the waves. I am doing that tonight as well, as I fight through my food addiction. I want to live and live right. Take nothing for granted and be thankful for everything I do have and everything that I am as a person and if possible be EVEN BETTER than that. The J.M Barrie quote I will always live by where he says….”To die would be an awfully big adventure.” Well Barrie, I can honestly say TO LIVE…would an awfully big an adventure and I intend to do JUST that.
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”