“Freedom lies in being bold” -Robert Frost
I love food. I love the way it tastes, I love the way it smells and I love the way it comforts me when I am feeling at my lowest. I never really thought I had a food addiction growing up, I always just thought I REALLY LOVED food and I am good at eating it so why not eat. Slowly over the years it began to become a habit. I used food as a revenge method for when people did me wrong in my life. I used it as a comfort when I felt alone and left behind by friends or hurt by those I loved. I used it as a reward for achieving something amazing or accomplishing something in my life. It had become a best friend, almost as if it was a part of my everyday surroundings as well as myself.
Little by little my reflection changed. When one day I had looked into the mirror and saw a girl staring back at me I hardly recognized. Who are you? I asked. I AM YOU. It said. Seeing what I had become turned life into reality. My health plummeted and my heart was dying within my enormous body. No longer could I live this way, for this was not living…this was dying. I was lazy and didn’t care, I had actually gone out and bought Mickey D’s thinking just one more night, one more big dinner before the change. I had had many nights of BIG dinners before, many nights of saying, just one more day. This little voice inside would say to me Sunny, they won’t notice, you could hide the food, get as much as you want. So…I did. I would order a large meal, then get another couple burgers with nuggets and fries. I would take my book bag with me and hide my food in it so no one could see me walk in with it. Once I was alone in my room, my hideaway, I would put on a movie and nestle in and eat it all. I would have a drawer next to my bed and I would hide chips and candy bars within it afraid that I would not have enough food to fulfill myself. I drank soda and would hardly move around, always too tired and not feeling well. Why didn’t I do something sooner? Why did I continue on doing this routine? Because it was easy. It was easier to say yes to the temptation then to say no. I was afraid and weak and not giving myself a chance to prove that I actually could.
Once I turn my words into truthful actions and prove my capabilities, you will see me…UNDERNEATH.
Then one morning it happened. I was very sick and I was in pain, seeing how terrible I looked and knowing that I would die sooner rather than later. I remember watching a TV show about a woman who was dying because of how fat she was. I didn’t want to die. I saw how much pain and sadness I was bestowing upon my family as they saw me slowly kill myself and I didn’t want to hurt them anymore. Most importantly though I saw my own eyes stare back at me in the mirror and the eyes were filled with such pain and such sorrow. If not now Sunny? Then when? I finally had had enough and that day I started something new. I changed it. It was and has been the hardest most painful and terrible struggle in my life. I lose weight and then gain it back, I am motivated, and then I am not. Some days are easy…no scratch that…. the days are never easy…some days are bearable, others are unbearable. I have struggled and fallen, but I keep getting back up. After almost a year of being on the right track I fell off and I stayed off for a while. Trying to mend an illness as the temptation crept back in and my old friend visited once again drowning me in my sorrow and showing me what I was giving up. This time around I didn’t let it stick. I used everything I had and shoved that bitch back down, kicking back out of my life. I have started once again. I am not making any more promises to anyone but one person and that’s myself, a promise of never giving up and to keep going. I have decided not to talk anymore, but to show. I need to show myself that once again I can do this and once and for all can achieve my dreams and overcome this addiction. I need to do this. No more fucking around. Now is the time, now is reality. If I don’t do it now…then when? Do I want to die and have a heart attack and leave this beautiful world and all those I love within it? NO. Do I want to live long and pursue my dreams as a writer and dedicate my life to those in need and have a family of my own? YES. CAN I DO THIS? YES. WILL IT BE EASY? FUCK NO. But I have no choice. I am done of losing. I am done pretending everything is alright when everything is actually crashing all around me. I am done. I AM FUCKING DONE.
I was in my Uncle’s pool today and I was floating there, letting the water crash over me. I heard nothing but the sound of the water moving underneath with the muffled coldness of it blanketing around me. The little voice inside was silenced and I couldn’t hear it. Instead of crying, I smiled; happy to have had another successful day under my belt and to see the numbers on the scales decrease once more. I am not ashamed of myself anymore, I feel like being a food addict has shown me the person I am underneath it all. I am a person who has courage and self-control. I can overcome many obstacles because of this addiction. I can look in the mirror and smile at myself knowing that it can and has been beaten, every single day. Because of so many beautiful people and influences I have more hope than ever. I have support, but all of that means nothing and does nothing for you unless you have hope within yourself and support your own being.
I will win. I will win. I WILL WIN.
We have been forever close
You were my very first friend
You were my savior
My undying comfort when times were the toughest
I gave into you, you won me over
Time and time again
My deepest regrets pour into your hands
You made me happy…once
I have been shown the light, a taste of freedom
Escaping from your deadly grasp
Your embrace is intoxicating, your pleas so alluring
Still…I walkaway…you’re no good to me
A once best friend, now my worst enemy
I will defeat you…everyday…in the mirror I look
Seeing the damage you have done…the choices I made for you
No more will I be yours…now I will be mine.
My own…my very own. Life has never tasted as sweet as it does without.