Saying Goodbye

“You know when you think you know someone? More than anyone in the world? You know you know them, because you’ve seen them, like, for real. And then you reach out, and suddenly they are just… gone. You though you belonged together. You thought they were yours, but they’re not. You want to protect them, but you can’t.”
Ava Dellaira, Love Letters to the Dead

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Everyone knows by now that my grandmother has passed away. She died earlier this month from cancer and it was a grand battle of 10 years and she fought strongly and bravely the entire time. I think some of my strength in life comes from part of her. Things weren’t always the best with her and sometimes it was hell on earth, but still she was my grandmother and I know regardless of what happened between us she did love me very much and I loved her. Now that she is gone I look through all her belongings, part of me feels like I will get scolded for going through such personal things but its given me a chance to know her better as a person and what she was like at my age. She was never an emotional person or showed much empathy or even a “girly” side, so seeing her jewels and her pictures of being a girl are really quite amazing. Part of me wishes I could have known her back then, seen her smile and laugh and ask if she was truly happy with the life she had started.

Even though she is gone now I still want to appreciate her. Everything her and my papa did for me during the years I lived with them. The things they both taught me in their ways and the stories I heard and will always remember. Sometimes its the little things that matter and mean the very most. Just seeing Nana in her chair playing her games on her iPad and seeing her smile at me. Seeing Papa drop ice from the fridge and say “Fuck it.” as he walked past. Little things that made me smile and meant so little at the time, but really mean alot now. I haven’t been able to cry much these days since I am so ill. Not being able to breathe limits me from my emotions and so I guess writing this is a way for me to surpass that, but still I sit here crying. I miss them. They were my grandparents and they were a big part of my life. The house they had is now sold and gone and I will never be able to go there again. Its quite sad the things you lose in life with just a blink of an eye. It makes you really appreciate what you have left in the end though and what you had during that time.

I say goodbye to them, but also I will see you again sometime along my journey when its come to its end. I know they both will be there waiting for me with smiles. I just hope to do them proud with the time I am still here.

I am still here and I plan to do my best with the time I have…now to getting better….

 

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