You’ve won again…

I sit and watch
as the rain falls
from a sky so dark and gray

Is this life
a crying sky?
If so,
not even I can fight.

I’m tired of hurting,
I’m tired of tears.
I’m tired of being alone
for all these years.

I want peace,
and I want love.
I want to break free
to fly above!

I got fired today. Or let go, however you would like to put it. I was let go because of my recklessness, my lack of ambition. My illnesses which have been brought on by asthma and my physical weight and the damn weather. I lost again and you have won again. I see the face staring back at me in the mirror. Your face. You’ve won that. So heavy, so unhealthy and painful. I have let it all go it seems. Let go of the reins that kept me on track. Let go of the strength that I tried to carry for so long. Its all gone now.

I handed them my badge, my work uniform and my smile. So ashamed I felt as I left, walking down the stairs in front of the entire store, feeling their eyes on me as I was made to leave. Never have I had to do this before.

Never.

Never have I been so low before, so angry and hateful towards myself, towards everyone.  I feel like theres this giant void inside of myself that i just cannot seem to fill. Sometimes I wonder who I even am anymore. I cant seem to find myself, my purpose. What I really want out of my life, what I want to achieve or become. Perhaps we spend our entire lives trying to find the purpose. Perhaps thats the whole point? I don’t know.

I can’t seem to sleep at night anymore. Nightmares hound me and my dreams. I am under stress to find now another job, stress to save money and get a car, get a place of my own, get my weight under control, graduate college and find a job that pays well. The list is infinite. I know what I need to do, I just don’t love myself enough to try anymore. Theres others who deserve more than I do and apart of me wishes to just disappear and let them have the light.

I’m buried for now. Underneath it all. I haven’t given up though. There is a tiny piece inside of me still burning, I can feel it. It makes me cry. Life is so precious and you should want to live it and be free and happy. It takes all of my energy trying to not hate it and waste it on meaningless things. I know what I need, its just so hard right now to even try and fight. You can say I am a quitter for now. I won’t because I refuse to be.

Here come the tears.

Pain.

Anger.

I need to sleep now.

I love you. Thanks for listening.