Hello Darkness my old friend…

26365805150_2155880fd7_b

Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.

 

Sometimes I feel as if I’m alone in the dark. Surrounded by nothing but complete agony and pain. I feel the heart ache swell underneath my skin and the tears drown my eyes as I sob uncontrollably unable to stop or to breathe. It comes and goes this blanket of darkness as certain things trigger my emotions.

1ef0a8608b5ebef0d3f73bd2848b15d5--broken-hearted-the-ojays

Such as being alone. Everyone says well you’re not alone and I myself have said it to many people and in a way no, you aren’t ever alone because there are people who are there for you and are willing to listen. But not always are there people there to love. Not the kind of love one needs. Someone special, someone to hold, someone to wipe these hot tears away. I am so happy for those who have someone special in their lives. I don’t know if they ever stop and think about how lucky they truly are. I know some are thinking “Well, I am not that lucky or pfft! Yeah I have someone but he’s a dick or whatever.” Yeah I get that. But at the end of the day you had a moment where you were once happy with this person. I haven’t had that. It was taken from me at a young age. Losing the boy I might’ve ended up with for the rest of my life. I tried with a girl once and that wasn’t meant for me. I see everyone with a buddy, a smile, love in their hearts and mine is bursting. Yearning to give all the love I have to someone. It kills me when people say you’re such a good person, you have such light and kindness and beauty. Well…why the fuck can’t I find someone then? Why can’t I be truly happy? Cause it’s just not my time? Am I not looking? Fuck you fate and fuck you universe.

 

Not having me a buddy to hang with. Everyone seems paired up. My once close friends are now gone from me, with their best friends or loved ones, once again leaving me out on my own. My brothers are close, they have each other to hang onto, and I have always felt like the odd one out being the only girl of 4 children. My parents have each other. My friends who are close have their own lives and families. I guess this is just a battle with me being alone. I guess this pain is mostly because I want what they have. I want to feel alive with someone again. I know that all it takes is a phone call, but phone calls end. All it could take is a message on the computer or phone, but they turn off. I could venture out and go places, but with no car and no money to spend for anything extra, there is no point.

834848

I am not feeling sorry for myself and I am not asking for pity. I am just letting my thoughts and my emotions pour out of me and land here because it helps. I am just crying non-stop, feeling my body heave in distraught and my mind race in confusion and madness at all the questions that go unanswered, all the WHYS and HOWS. Why won’t they listen or get back to me, how could they treat me this way after all I have done and why can’t someone like me have someone like you. Why must I suffer? Ha-ha but millions of people ask that question everyday. The little boy asks God why he gets teased or why his mommy and daddy are getting divorced. The old woman asked the doctor why does she deserve to die from cancer? All these questions and I have no answers. I only know that there are certain keys to opening the doorways to what we want in life. I have never found one. Not yet. Will I? I haven’t a clue. But like everyday I will try. I will be grateful for what I DO have right now in my life. I will make new friends and I will overcome the pain and the weight of being let down so many times for being me. I hate myself, but I love myself so much too.

 

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time for you to leave again.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Hello Darkness my old friend…

  1. I feel you, honey, I really do. I haven’t had a date or boyfriend or whatever in about 3-4 years. The last time I hung out with “friends” was over a year ago. I have friends who live literally a 10 minute drive from me, but they tell me I live “too far away”. I am completely isolated, and the only contact I really have with people is through the internet….I don’t have a cell phone, a car (or license), any money to go out with, or a job.
    I wish I could tell you how to make the loneliness go away, but I don’t have an answer. I guess I just got used to it because there were no other options.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel like your words are exactly what my cry has been for so long. I am so sorry you are hurting. Single and have never had a true relationship. Best friends are gone or doing other things. At 45 yrs old, I pretty much expect to be single forever. It is dark and it is lonely, and depressing. I do love you, my friend! Hugs from Houston, Shannon McCullough

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know how you feel.. almost to the tee.. and I don’t want to say you’re not alone, because I get what you’re saying.. but I love you and even if phone calls end, it still doesn’t hurt to pick up the phone. If I lived close enough, I’d hang out with you everyday. I try to tell myself though that all that other stuff, you just have to believe that there’s something out there heading your way. Maybe the time has to be right or the stars need to align or I don’t know, but I just need to believe it’s out there. Just hang in there. I love you though and I’m sorry you’re hurting. Can’t wait to talk to you tomorrow.. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s