For Now…

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Sometimes I have moments where I completely lose myself. My shine trickles out through my eyes. I lose my thoughts, my feelings, my goals, and my sanity. Sometimes I feel so broken that I fear I’ll never actually heal again. The p9eces are broken beyond repair. Sometimes I hurt those around me more than I hurt myself. It hurts like hell upon reflection. I in return hate myself, hate who I am. Why say that? Why act that way? I don’t know. It was easier when I was a child. I was naive and hadn’t learned to think of others feelings before my own. I remember how selfish I was and still am today. Maybe that’s a good trait in some aspects of life, but not everything. I try not to be. Apparently it’s never enough. I’ve come to realize that everything is not enough. I am finally learning that concept. There’s always something more, something better. Better than me, better than I’ve always been.

I cried today. I lashed out. This addiction is killing me in more ways than one. I hate who I have become because of it. I hurt inside. Sometimes I feel like why am I even important to continue on. I know why. I remember what it felt like to hold someone close, someone special in my arms. I thought I was in love. Lies. I do this for a future. A life. A love that one-day will come for me. That hope always feels nice, but not when I am on my knees on my bedroom floor pounding my fits at the wooden floors beneath me. That hope does not comfort. During that moment I feel torn apart, I feel hopeless and discarded. A dying plant thrown out to drown its remaining life in the rain. I can only say I’m sorry so much. I try to speak the truth, but I’m afraid nothing is believable anymore.

 

I write this, not looking for anything other than your shoulder. It might not make any sense. It doesn’t to me half the time. I cry in the shower, I cry in my sleep, I cry in my dreams. Swimming in salty tears that sting the red flush on my face. This helps though. I feel a sense of relief as I pour my soul out onto this note. I’m not always strong. I can’t be. I’m human. I can’t always do right. This is what life is, learning and growing with each passing day until the sun comes up on the horizon. I will make it. Its going to hurt so fucking much, but I will do it. I will try to be kinder, better, the person they believe me to be.

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I think that’s all for now. Short and sweet. Well not sweet, sour even. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. I always do. A new day. A fresh start. New awaiting tears.

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5 thoughts on “For Now…

  1. Oh Sunny…I am so sorry for all your pain…Our thoughts tend to be our own worst enemy…You, My Sunshine, are precious to so many of us, precious beyond words…I am always here to listen to you…and you are always with me in my heart

    Liked by 1 person

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