“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” -Oscar Wilde
I’m writing this blog as way for me to express my emotion and my thoughts for these past few months. Life has not gone the way I have wanted it to. No one every plans for things to go badly, no one ever plans to lose someone they care about and no one ever plans to make drastic changes that would change the course of their life entirely. Honesty is key within these words I write and in my truth I must say that I have gone from bad to worse to destructive. My heart is broken in more places than I can count. I am lonely, I am sad, I am broke, I am tired and frankly exhausted of picking myself up after each time I fall. It would be so easy to say FUCK IT and stay down and let the chips fall where they may. Cover me completely and drown me in my sorrows and my self-pity. I have gained back more weight than I can count; I have lied and made wrong choices with my studies and my job. I am ashamed and I am beating myself up over it each morning I wake up. I am not making excuses or saying that because of circumstances I have decided to act as such. No, I could’ve made the right choices, I could’ve eaten healthy despite the mental abuse and pain I have been through, but my only comfort to get through that was food. Food is my savor and my getaway. It drowns out the noise, makes things bearable…for a time. Until I need more, cause the sounds of reality just keeps getting louder.
I am no saint and I’m not one to give up so easily, although I do almost always give in. I hate that about myself, I hate everything I have created that’s negative and I hate this giant hole I am buried in. But…with the sours of life, do come the sweets. I am now removing myself from a toxic environment and people and moving to a place where a fresh start awaits for me. I will be with a supportive family and will have options to help improve my health and my mentality. I know most are as fortunate as me, most cannot get away and if I had the power to change that for them, I would in a fucking heartbeat. I am lucky. I know that therefore I am making this promise to not fuck up and to EARN the life I deserve. I owe it to them and mostly to myself. I will have a job, I will be working towards the final steps of my school degree and I will be maintaining a healthy diet and exercise. I have this new place where I can finally take a deep breath and can finally see the big picture in its full color.
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
— Mae West
I am not perfect, I have fallen and I will fall again I am sure, but in this moment, this fresh start I will make the most of it. I will not squander the small chances life has to offer and the few kind gestures or handouts it offers when it passes by. My eyes have been shut again for far too long. These are merely words I know, what I need to give are results, to SHOW that this confession actually fucking means something and I am not bullshitting any longer. I am done with broken promises and broken hearts and souls. I want to fix myself. I want to live and I want to be happy and finally feel like I have earned everything that comes my way. So here I go. One foot in front of the other. The new year comes and along comes me. I have fucked up. But I am NOT a fuck up.
“May you live every day of your life.”
— Jonathan Swift